Friday, September 12, 2014

LOA: Suicide, Homicide, and Me


According to the World Health Organization (WHO), approx- imately one million people - that's 1,000,000 - around the world commit suicide yearly or every 40 seconds, more than that of homicide and war combined: astounding! Furthermore, they expect that the rate will increase to every 20 seconds by the year 2020: unbelieveable!

Those are definitely sad statistics! I could have been one of them if my intent to self-harm was strong enough. (Read the last two postings for details.) I'm grateful I never did in the end. (Is that a pun?!)

However, before I started believing in myself (even remotely), an incident - condensed version - occurred that would eventually change my life.

Long story short(er), I attracted not one, but two men who were willing, able, and capable of killing me and almost did. Luckily I escaped both times unharmed, at least physically.

The first time, in my early 20's, was in relationship with an alcoholic (though I didn't know that till towards the end of or after our relationship ended) who was obsessive in that no one else could "have me." I think he felt he "owned" me as if I was his property.

If you ever come to know this about your relationship or that of another person, take my advice and run, don't walk, to the nearest exit (i.e., out of the relationship). Those are the one of the most dangerous types of men.

My boyfriend was a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality (based on a character in a novel by Robert Louis Stevenson) about a split personality now known as 'dissociative identity disorder.' He could be friendly, charming, sweet and kind one moment, and full of fury with explosive anger or rather rage, the next. Definitely scary to be around! I repeat: AVOID at all cost! This is a warning!

One night - middle of the night or very early in the morning - I awoke with a fright to, I believe if I recall correctly, someone calling my name and/or a sound and/or knock at my balcony. I lived on the fifth or sixth floor if I recall correctly. He had somehow climbed (to my amazement) to my floor level.

When I opened the balcony door, he was intoxicated, angrily cursing and shouting at me. Shortly thereafter, he had a kitchen knife at my throat. (Oh yeah, I'm not kidding you!) A short while later, he attempted to either suffocate me with a towel/washcloth from the linen closet or strangle me - I wasn't sure which and I wasn't sure about to find out as I somehow escaped, ran to my friend's apartment on another floor or did I run to the superintendent? Was I ever terrified: I thought that was the end of me.

It was miraculous that I survived uninjured. I truly do not know how or remember how I escaped. Just typing this brings up visceral sensations in my body. The body always remembers...there is such a thing as cellular memory: "a variation of body memory, the pseudoscientific hypothesis that memories can be stored in individual cells" (as per Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cellular_memory

And despite that particular incident, I didn't learn my lesson the first time round so the pattern repeated almost 10 years later. This time I attracted an obsessive personality from a particular patriarchal culture...think possessive.

This boyfriend similarly could be charming - since then I do not trust 'charmers' - and was pleasant and easy-going for the most part. However, one time he wanted to have intercourse with me. I refused as I didn't want to with him. So he started throwing me around slamming me against a wall at least once. And then, all of a sudden in one instant, he grabbed me, threw me onto his bed, and started choking me, strangling me with his bare hands.

Again, I thought: "This is it!"

By fluke, out of nowhere, I remembered that I had chocolate in my pocket and that it was a hot day. I can't believe I was able to even think straight in that moment! I stuck my right hand in my short's pocket - it's funny now when I think of this - and put my hand smothered with melted chocolate up to his face which was pretty close to mine. He let go and I ran off. I'm surprised he didn't lick my hands! ;)

Ok, you have to make fun of something like that after it happens as it's too serious and traumatic an incident.

Though I have since forgiven both men in my heart, not instantly but I did in time - feeling butterflies in my stomach as I'm writing this for the first time. Interesting that the hardest person to forgive was myself.

It was a few years later when I realized with sudden clarity what had happened and why. Read yesterday's post where I answer that. ;)

Was I a 'victim' of my thoughts/feelings/circumstances? How did the Law of Attraction play out in this (true life) story?

23 comments:

  1. OMG, Elly! What you are sharing is so courageous and so important for other women, who feel shame as if they did something wrong. People - both men and women alike - are vulnerable and can fall prey to others who know how to manipulate and exploit them. Sadly, our culture gives men more power allowing them that it is their right to possess women.

    Thank you so much, dear Elly for sharing! Big HUGS <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Judy. I may have felt shame as I felt to blame with the LOA in that I had a strong death wish at that time in my life. Though it could happen to anyone, women primarily are the 'sufferers' - don't like the word 'victims' - due to imbalance in power, etc. I was deliberating writing it on my blog; however, I though it might be worth the 'risk' (of feeling exposed etc.) as it may help others, even one soul.

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Thanks Nisha. I wasn't sure if I was being stupid or silly to post this, at least initially. <3

      Delete
  3. I agree with Judy. You're one hell of a brave woman Elly! Firstly to have escaped such dangerous men and secondly to come out and share something as personal as this on a public platform. There's lots women can learn from this post. Life is precious, someone trying to taking it from you or you giving it up for any reason does leave you with scars. I'm glad you wrote about it. I'm sure it was therapeutic writing about these incidents.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Vinodini. It was scary in part to write and post this. Though I didn't expect the emotional scars, the beauty of writing (as you probably are familiar with) is that it is therapeutic..and tears are cleansing and healing. <3

      Delete
  4. Takes a lot of courage to share something like this, Elly. You are a brave soul! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for acknowledging. I appreciate that. <3

      Delete
  5. Thank you for being willing to share your story! xo Carla

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Carla. I hope it helped you somehow or maybe someone you know now or in the future. And if not, that's ok too. <3

      Delete
  6. Thank you for baring your soul, Elly. I have been in unhealthy relationships but never where physical violence was involved. I can't begin to imagine how traumatic that is. I do believe that we attract the same kind of people into our lives until we learn the lesson we are meant to. I had a series of bad relationships - where no matter how hard I tried the guy always thought I was not good enough (or maybe it was me who thought so!). It wasn't until I did some work on myself that things changed. Looking back, I realize that all these experiences made me more empathetic towards women who tolerate 'bad' men in their lives....But for grace, it could be me.
    I love your brave heart, Elly!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Corinne. Well, I did finally learn the lesson - wrote about it in yesterday's post - though it took awhile. ;) I'm glad it wasn't you. I wouldn't want to wish that upon anyone, especially you dear heart. <3

      Delete
  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh my goodness, Elly! My heart is still pounding over what you escaped! but your second escape is really funny :D as about your question, there is no blaming anyone (esp. not you). It's about feelings and misplaced trust. Who can foresee such disasters?! But we need to be careful before we take any plunge :) thanks for sharing, lovely...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think my heart was a little too when I was writing it dear Asma. ;) Yes, the second escape - in hindsight funny - was a miracle, a blessing in disguise! I think I did blame myself for it, especially when I learned about the law of attraction. <3

      Delete
  9. Elly - you are such a brave woman. I am so glad I have connected with you. As you have said, we have a lot in common. Thank you so much for sharing this incredible story

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Carol, though I'm not sure how you read courage into that story though I do have it, at times. ;) And it takes one to know one, right Carol? ;) I believe it requires courage to live too. I am grateful to have met you online and for your courage in sharing your stories: you are a remarkable and inspiring woman! :) <3

      Delete
  10. Lucky you Elly and Thank God!..And it was not your fault...It is good that you never went back to such abusive people...Sometimes it's hard to come out of such relationships and nightmares but you did...So glad for that...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Nabanita. I realized how I felt about myself and what I thought of life attracted these situations, i.e., abusive men into my life. I believe I am way past that now. :) <3

      Delete
  11. Elly, I had goosebumps in my stomach while reading your experience. You are one brave lady, who managed to free herself from such wretched men. Hugs, Elly!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, can you imagine my stomach churning and what-not-else when this occurred? It was certainly frightening at the time! I was amazed that I had moments of lucidity during this process. <3

      Delete
  12. Thank God that you came out of these controlling and abusive relationships, Elly! Most of the time, we fail to recognize the symptoms of these bad relationships (and/or recognize them too late), as we think that the partner is a bit moody or possessive when in fact, that person has slowly taken over every aspect of our life. Such people can truly destroy us! You are a brave woman! Hugs to you! ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Shilpa. I'm glad I came out of them too! ;) And yes, so important to be aware of the signs. I think there is more education around this, though not in the school system where perhaps it could be. It's usually after the fact when it's too late! <3

      Delete