Ok, are you ready to hear my lesson concerning suicide? And what I believe may be a lot of other people's lessons, primarily women (considering the culture/society we live in)?
One of the biggest challenges in my life that I have had to deal with is myself. That may sound strange, silly even, but I am serious about that.
When I was growing up, primarily in my teens, I wore a lot of dark colours: primarily navy blue, grey, brown, and black. A lot of 'cold' colours (on the colour wheel that is) that you might term "depressing."
I hated the way I looked: my hair, my body, my personality (or lack of it it seemed), my voice (as it came out flat and monotonous) and well, practically everything and everybody. I literally hated life - mine - and for a big chuck of it, I had wanted to die more than anything else, even more than my will to live at times. I had so many reasons going for me, some of which I stated above.
Since I had wanted to die most of my life in part to be with my dead twin sister - see blog posting dated August 25th, 2013 entitled, "Part 3: In a Funk - Blue since Birth?!" (http://xpressyouressence.blogspot.ca/2013/08/part-3-in-funk-blue-since-birth.html), it made sense that I would attract people in my life with a similar vibration. That will become clear in the next part of this series that you will want to read. According to the Law of Attraction (LOA), similar frequencies respond in kind to similar vibrations or vibes (for short) that are being transmitted.
Think of it this way. When you walk into a room, a store, a meeting, or a group, do you notice the energy of the place? Can you feel or sense it? Does it feel heavy or light? Is there a sense of tension or peace? That is along the lines of what I am talking about.
And by the way, I developed or rather was aware that I had a gift of this since my late teens, early 20's. I was able to walk into a potential home or workplace and know immediately if I wanted to live or work there just based on the vibes I felt. Too bad, I didn't have that sensor with two ex-boyfriends whom I will write about in Part 2 of this blog post. You’ll definitely want to read that!
Ok, I digress here, onto my story or morale:
I realized years later that what I literally needed to know and learn the most was to love myself. As crazy as that may sound, you heard me - read that - right, correctly. I had to learn to love who I was, to learn to accept myself for the person I was, and that began with getting to know me.
Let me tell you, it has been a long journey. Though not 100% perfect in this regard, I can certainly declare now, years later, that I love myself, at least for the most part. I'm not perfect – no one is – and yet I have learned to love the person I am: I have come to know myself quite well, especially after reading so many personal development books since my 20's and having participated in numerous personal growth workshops that gave me better awareness, understanding, and acceptance of my unique and authentic self.
I have come to realize that I am a beautiful spiritual being: I have a kind and gentle heart (for the most part, as again I am not perfect). I say that also because I am aware that, if I had to, I would kill in order to defend myself. If I didn't have that instinct, I would be an easy target or victim. Trust me when I say that. I have come to understand this at a very deep level through one or two extremely challenging trials, i.e., experiential exercises as part of a workshop. I know what I'm talking about.
If you aren't willing to stand up for yourself, that is, fight for yourself, your life, someone else might not either. You could be an easy target for abuse and/or death. - Would you agree? Why or why not? - This is what I sense intuitively, know claircognizantly, at a deep level.
And my story in the next part to this sequel will demonstrate that...so stay tuned! ;)