When you read this post, keep in mind that my twin is dead and has been for 55 years as of today.
All of a sudden, as I think about that and the essence of what I wish to write/type here, I burst into tears. I can't believe that still happens! I mean I thought I came to terms with her death when I created a spontaneous (intuitive) 3-D collage about 20 years ago. (More about in another post; otherwise this one will be too long.)
And then, why should I be surprised? After all, I cried in my EAP (employee assistance program) counsellor's office this past week when I shared what little I knew of her and our birth.
If you read my post yesterday, you will remember perhaps that I had a heart-to-heart chat with my mother about my twin. This is what I discovered:
* My Mom knew intuitively at five months that she bore twins. Everyone laughed at her, not believing her: read fourth comment below to understand why.
* At seven months, my mother knew she was about to deliver and it happened rather quickly.
* After I came out, she was holding in the other baby, my twin, as best she could, not pushing it out. She informed the midwife that she was having a twin and that there was another one coming, but the midwife ignored her. (This point was hard to digest.)
* According to my mother, we were both like a baby doll as we were only about 1-1/2 lbs.
* We were born on a Sunday, my Mom thinks about 9 in the morning, but not 100% sure.
* I was rushed to the hospital along with my twin (rather than to-be born twin if I understand correctly), about a 20-minute drive away to Geleen, the nearest town to Stein where I was born. (I wonder if my Dad drove or if we went by ambulance.)
* We were both placed in incubators. I was in one about four months.**
* My twin died the following day (which is today, January 11th). It had something to do with her lungs; she couldn't breathe properly. (Probably not fully formed lungs.)
* My Dad was called the next day and he went to the hospital - not sure why my Mom didn't accompany him - perhaps caretaking of the other children? - so he could take of the funeral arrangements. (That's all I know thus far.)
* Not sure the spelling of her name, but along the lines of Luisa. I was named after an aunt, Tante Luisa (or known as Aloisa in Austria if I understood correctly) as she was like a mother to my Mom.
* My Mom told me the news of my twin sometime before I moved out of the house at age 18. Unfortunately, I do not recall our conversation or her having done so. (The only possible recollection I have is that I might have stopped questioning if I had been adopted prior to that incident as I always felt different and estranged, from my family; not their fault.)
* When I was about 30, I accompanied my parents to the cemetery to see if we could find her grave site marker, but couldn't see it nor her name anywhere. (I wondered what would have happened if we did, though I imagine my Mom and I would probably have cried a bucket of tears, at the least!)
The tears are streaming down my face as I am typing this. In all these years, I don't think I ever considered the perspective of my parents dealing with her death. I almost feel embarrassed and ashamed by that, only thinking of myself in terms of my loss.
My Mom started off by saying at this part of the conversation about my twin, "How nice it would be for you to have a twin sister." (I think she meant "your" twin sister; regardless, I got what she was saying.)
She also said that she thinks of her many times - my Mom is an extreme empath (who feels the feelings and pain of others) so you can only imagine what she must experience/suffer. (I am one too but not so extreme.)
I too think of her from time to time, perhaps not enough. I light a candle for her whenever I go to Jerry DesVoignes' winter solstice event where community members chant, in part, sacred songs in Sanskrit - bhajans (devotional songs) - they are soothing, calming,and uplifting for my soul. I think of her on my birthday and sometimes the next day. (I wasn't sure previously if she died the same day of birth or the following day).
And a few years ago, I spontaneously thought of her out of the blue - an indication of Spirit or intuition or whatever you may call it - that I knew she was going to die, i.e., when I was a baby in the womb. I experienced feelings of extreme sadness and had no clue why, and then that thought came out-of-the-blue. This occurred near the beginning of December two years in a row. The second year I had forgotten about the previous year, until the thought came to me again.
You may think I am making that up and/or is evil, superstitious or the like depending upon your beliefs/faith. You may think what you wish. I know in my heart that I am not making this up: claircognizance (clear knowing) is the highest form of intuition which I have and this was one sign of that. (I have had numerous instances over the years.)
And I also know that I am not an evil person. I have a kind and caring heart and people who know me, know that of me. I was told, not to brag, that I have a "pure heart" from someone who did an eye-reading (similar to iridology) on me. Sorry to get on the defensive, but well, maybe I am protecting this story, my twin, and me...whatever!
**I will write a post about this another time. And I will also post my letter (tribute) to her (written today), real soon...Tuesday possibly.
Does any of this resonate with you and your experiences or that of someone you may know? How has it affected you and/or them?