Sunday, January 11, 2015

Happy Birthday? to us Twins?! (Part 2)


Photo symbolically of me about 10 years ago representing my twin & I

When you read this post, keep in mind that my twin is dead and has been for 55 years as of today.

All of a sudden, as I think about that and the essence of what I wish to write/type here, I burst into tears. I can't believe that still happens! I mean I thought I came to terms with her death when I created a spontaneous (intuitive) 3-D collage about 20 years ago. (More about in another post; otherwise this one will be too long.)

And then, why should I be surprised? After all, I cried in my EAP (employee assistance program) counsellor's office this past week when I shared what little I knew of her and our birth.

If you read my post yesterday, you will remember perhaps that I had a heart-to-heart chat with my mother about my twin. This is what I discovered:

* My Mom knew intuitively at five months that she bore twins. Everyone laughed at her, not believing her: read fourth comment below to understand why.
* At seven months, my mother knew she was about to deliver and it happened rather quickly.
* After I came out, she was holding in the other baby, my twin, as best she could, not pushing it out. She informed the midwife that she was having a twin and that there was another one coming, but the midwife ignored her. (This point was hard to digest.)
* According to my mother, we were both like a baby doll as we were only about 1-1/2 lbs.
* We were born on a Sunday, my Mom thinks about 9 in the morning, but not 100% sure.
* I was rushed to the hospital along with my twin (rather than to-be born twin if I understand correctly), about a 20-minute drive away to Geleen, the nearest town to Stein where I was born. (I wonder if my Dad drove or if we went by ambulance.)
* We were both placed in incubators. I was in one about four months.**
* My twin died the following day (which is today, January 11th). It had something to do with her lungs; she couldn't breathe properly. (Probably not fully formed lungs.)
* My Dad was called the next day and he went to the hospital - not sure why my Mom didn't accompany him - perhaps caretaking of the other children? - so he could take of the funeral arrangements. (That's all I know thus far.)
* Not sure the spelling of her name, but along the lines of Luisa. I was named after an aunt, Tante Luisa (or known as Aloisa in Austria if I understood correctly) as she was like a mother to my Mom.
* My Mom told me the news of my twin sometime before I moved out of the house at age 18. Unfortunately, I do not recall our conversation or her having done so. (The only possible recollection I have is that I might have stopped questioning if I had been adopted prior to that incident as I always felt different and estranged, from my family; not their fault.)
* When I was about 30, I accompanied my parents to the cemetery to see if we could find her grave site marker, but couldn't see it nor her name anywhere. (I wondered what would have happened if we did, though I imagine my Mom and I would probably have cried a bucket of tears, at the least!)

The tears are streaming down my face as I am typing this. In all these years, I don't think I ever considered the perspective of my parents dealing with her death. I almost feel embarrassed and ashamed by that, only thinking of myself in terms of my loss.

My Mom started off by saying at this part of the conversation about my twin, "How nice it would be for you to have a twin sister." (I think she meant "your" twin sister; regardless, I got what she was saying.)

She also said that she thinks of her many times - my Mom is an extreme empath (who feels the feelings and pain of others) so you can only imagine what she must experience/suffer. (I am one too but not so extreme.)

I too think of her from time to time, perhaps not enough. I light a candle for her whenever I go to Jerry DesVoignes' winter solstice event where community members chant, in part, sacred songs in Sanskrit - bhajans (devotional songs) - they are soothing, calming,and uplifting for my soul. I think of her on my birthday and sometimes the next day. (I wasn't sure previously if she died the same day of birth or the following day).

And a few years ago, I spontaneously thought of her out of the blue - an indication of Spirit or intuition or whatever you may call it - that I knew she was going to die, i.e., when I was a baby in the womb. I experienced feelings of extreme sadness and had no clue why, and then that thought came out-of-the-blue. This occurred near the beginning of December two years in a row. The second year I had forgotten about the previous year, until the thought came to me again.

You may think I am making that up and/or is evil, superstitious or the like depending upon your beliefs/faith. You may think what you wish. I know in my heart that I am not making this up: claircognizance (clear knowing) is the highest form of intuition which I have and this was one sign of that. (I have had numerous instances over the years.)

And I also know that I am not an evil person. I have a kind and caring heart and people who know me, know that of me. I was told, not to brag, that I have a "pure heart" from someone who did an eye-reading (similar to iridology) on me. Sorry to get on the defensive, but well, maybe I am protecting this story, my twin, and me...whatever!

**I will write a post about this another time. And I will also post my letter (tribute) to her (written today), real soon...Tuesday possibly.

Does any of this resonate with you and your experiences or that of someone you may know? How has it affected you and/or them?

42 comments:

  1. I understand your sense of loss for your twin Elly. I believe twins are supposed to be very attached to each other emotionally. Your intuition with regards to knowing about her death beforehand in the womb itself, sounds interesting and mystical to me.
    May her soul rest in peace. Love and peace to you <3

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    1. She was supposedly my twin flame according to a psychic I saw years ago. That is the closest relationship you can have with anyone. However, regardless whether that is true or not, her death impacted my life hugely. I have written in past I think and/or will probably do so in future about this. And yes, it was a strange, unusual, "interesting" and I suppose "mystical" experience too. However, there is so much that happens beyond this world, that truly I think pretty much anything can happen! ;) Thanks for your kind words Vinnie. :) <3

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  2. I can imagine your sense of loss Ell...Only think I can say that I hope she is in some way with you... Be happy :)

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    1. Thanks Naba and those are the types of words - first line - that people who suffered a lost want/prefer to hear. :) I don't think she is with me per se; however, heart shapes that I see...a lot: http://xpressyouressence.blogspot.ca/2012/02/communications-from-my-dead-twin.html <3

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  3. So sorry for your loss Elly. Twins are deeply connected.

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    1. Thanks Inderpreet for your acknowledgement. They sure are, more than you can imagine! <3

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  4. Twins share a special connection, so even though you have not seen her, you may have a psychic connected to her. I think Luisa is with you in spirit! Hugs Elly! ♥

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    1. Yes, they sure do share a special connection as you say Shilpa. I think my pre-birth thought/memory is a form of that psychic connection you also speak of. ;) <3

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  5. I totally understand what you are saying and I agree with you. You will carry your sister in your heart forever. You shared a womb and there is no closer connection. You will always sense her presence. My heart aches for you and your mom. But this has also made you the strong woman you are.

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    1. I definitely will Carol, thanks. :) I wish I could sense her presence; however, those hearts...read here: http://xpressyouressence.blogspot.ca/2012/02/communications-from-my-dead-twin.html ... and yes, my heart ached for my Mom when she shared me the news, but even more so when I was writing this (above) which rather surprised me. <3

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  6. As a mom to twins I can try to understand what you're feeling Elly. My older one was born with the same problem - not fully developed lungs. Mercifully, due to timely medical care he's hale and hearty. The dread of those two weeks that he spent in the NICU shall be with me for ever. There is absolutely nothing evil about intuition so you don't need to get defensive. Isn't it mystical that you carry a memory of someone you never met? But that memory would be some kind of solace I'm sure. Huge hugs to you.

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    1. Love what you say Tulika as in "try" as that is the operative word and so true. Thanks for your kind words of acknowledgement. :) <3

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  7. I often wonder why we experience loss if we are meant to move on to a higher plane and we know this material life isn't the only form of existence. But we do. We cling, we love. Just remember that we'll know our loved-ones again in a deeper sense. Not clinging, but at peace.

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    1. Yes, I have thought and wondered about that a lot Francene. I look forward to meeting her on the next spiritual plane. Thanks for your comments. :) <3

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  8. I think this is lovely to honor your twin by sharing this story. I'm an only child so I don't know how it feels to lose a sibling but since twins are so connected on a deeper level, I can imagine how you must feel her. I'm sure she is your spiritual guide and still stays close to you and your mom :)

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    1. Thanks Neeci. I will actually honour her more - this seems more to honour my mother - by a letter that I wrote yesterday (on her death anniversary). I think though could be wrong that she may be my guardian angel as I have been close to death several times in my life. Who knows? ;) <3

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  9. How sad about your twin, Elly. I can understand how you would miss her and think about her. Interesting about that claircognizance that you have. I don't know much about that sort of thing but find it fascinating.

    I lost my baby daughter almost 23 years ago from forceps injuries. Hard not to think about what might have been. It's made me much more grateful for each day I get and for small things as I know how fragile life really is.

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    1. Thanks for your words Cathy: I truly appreciate it. :) So you may have an understanding of what my mother might have experienced in losing a child. So sorry for your loss too. <3

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  10. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your twin.
    -She'll always be in your heart.
    x

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    1. Thanks Sophie. Yes, she is in my heart and will be for sure. :) <3

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  11. I know this is a sad day for you and the loss of your twin, and I am so sorry. It must be so hard.....Enjoyed your post, thank you for sharing your story :)

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    1. Thanks Joan. It was hard yesterday, though today is another day and I'm at work - a good distraction if any! ;) I appreciate your feedback. :) <3

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  12. Such a sad story :( I do have a friend who is a twin, but her twin died the same day they were born! She has always known about the other, though. Such a loss for your parents :(

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    1. Thanks Kristen. I would like to connect with you, i.e., find out more about your friend's story, that is re. how she "has always known." ;) Yes, and a loss not only to me, but my parents too! <3

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  13. Thank you for sharing a touching story.

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    1. And thank you for reading and commenting on it Cassandra. :) <3

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  14. Oh Elly, I'm sorry about your loss, and as I have seen the empath in you, I can understand how hard it must be for you :)
    And, trust me when I say this, I believe you. You are not making up the intuition you had two years in a row. My mother also possesses such instincts, and bravo! with what accuracy often times :) Oh Elly, I'm sorry about your loss, and as I have seen the empath in you, I can understand how hard it must be for you :)
    And, trust me when I say this, I believe you. You are not making up the intuition you had two years in a row. My mother also possesses such instincts, and bravo! with what accuracy often times :)

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    1. Thanks Asma. I would love to know how how you see the empath in me... I am glad you believe me as I know I wasn't imagining it. :) <3

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  15. You shared a womb with your sister, side by side for months, and I would trust any kind of connection you feel with her. I am an only child, but I also know my mother had several miscarriages after I was born. She was never able to bring another pregnancy to term, and she died when I was 12 (so I never had more details). I sometimes think of my unborn brothers and/or sisters as guardian angels. I don't feel them in my everyday life but I know they are watching over me. I eventually will meet and know them. Alana

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    1. I love the words you speak and share with me Alana: so touching, thanks. :) It's unfortunate you weren't able to learn more; however, I love your viewpoint on your unborn brothers and sisters as guardian angels. I imagine that would be somewhat comforting and believing that you will meet and know them. I believe that too. :) <3

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  16. I am sorry to hear of your initial loss as well as your ongoing sense of loss. I have twin nieces, so I'm familiar with the amazing bond twins have from interacting with them over their 18 years of life.

    My youngest sister lost her second (and as it turns out, last) child, a baby boy, who was to be named in memory of our Dad. Our Dad died in September 2002 and my sister's baby boy was stillborn about 3 months later. It's heartbreaking, no matter how or when it happens!

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    1. Thanks K. Yes, it's amazing the impact she had on my life even though I didn't meet or know her at all! And yes, heartbreaking for those who bear and miscarry or those left behind. Sorry to hear for you and your sister too. <3

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  17. Elly,
    I can relate to what you are saying! As I think I told you earlier that neither of my twins made it. Now I wonder if my oldest (at 25 weeks) would have felt the loss so keenly. I miss them both. They would be 15. Hope you had a happy birthday!
    Amy

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    1. That must have been hard on you Amy. <3 It would be interesting to know, wouldn't it? I imagine you, like me, have lots of questions for them when you see/meet them one day... I did have a happy birthday: read yesterday's post! ;) <3

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  18. I mean as happy of a birthday as you could, under the circumstances. I know the loss has been a very, very difficult struggle for you to deal with over the years. ((hugs))

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    1. Oh! I didn't know you posted twice in a row! ;) I enjoyed my birthday yesterday Amy, thanks. You have to go to 'older post' below and you will see why! ;) It has been at times for sure, some years (my teens and early 20's) in particular. However, writing about this is a very cathartic process, thus healing, as you may understand with your writings. :) <3

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  19. I'm so sorry for your loss , Elly. Twins are connected the moment they appear in the womb, a special sort of connection. This post is very emotional. Happy birthday. Hugs. 💖

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    1. Thanks Vinitha. Yes, I agree with you wholeheartedly: a special connection. I appreciate your comments. :) <3

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  20. Elly dear, it was very sad for your mom.Loss of a baby is heart rending.

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    1. Yes, and I hadn't considered her side of the story prior as I was so absorbed in my own grief. Thus, I felt guilty when I heard my Mom pouring out her version of the story. <3

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  21. Wow! I had no idea. What a story. Must so cathartic to put your feelings and experience in words. I want to give you a hug,

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    1. Yes, it is quite a story. And what was once my story has now become ours: my mother's and mine, at least from my point of view. <3 It is indeed a cathartic experience to do so; however, it makes me wonder how many more layers there might be! ;) A virtual hug will do, thanks! :) <3

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