Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Birthday Tribute: Letter to My Dead Twin (Part 3)


Dear Luisa or what name I should know you by,

I hope I am spelling your name right! [For you readers, see why on my post from yesterday.]

Please know that I love you and have loved you, even though I didn’t know you, as long as I can remember, at least, after I found out about you. You probably know that already as the other things I am about to tell you. However, I wish to express what is upon my heart at this time.

I used to be SO angry - with sadness underneath all that anger - at God and for quite some time, demanding answers: Why did YOU die and me live? Why couldn’t I die and you live? Why couldn’t we BOTH die or both live?

As I was growing up, I often felt something was missing, but I never knew what it was. As a child growing up, I would feed this “hole in the soul” as author and former alcoholic, John Bradshaw terms it.

My relationship with food, I believe, was primarily to numb my feelings, to dampen my feelings of sadness, sometimes so intense, due to the pain of a sense of loss. And I feel there is tons of sadness, layers and layers of it.

I don’t recall having an ah-ha, this-is-it moment when my Mom informed me of your death, connecting it with feelings of emptiness that I felt a lot thus far. I doubt it, as I don’t even recall the conversation.

I desired to feel your presence or to see you even as some people do…some who can see spirits and angels. However, I never did and I wondered why not. It made me real sad. Why couldn’t I at least sense you around me?

I rarely spoke with you as if you were in the room though and I can’t even tell you why, other than perhaps because I didn’t see or feel you energetically. I felt guilty about that, thinking I was supposed to… if I didn’t, well, it might mean that I didn’t care about you or didn’t love you, enough.

I used to wonder what it would have been like to be playmates as children and even as adults, like to play pranks or tricks on people. For example, maybe swapping a date with our boyfriends. I think it could have been a lot of fun! ;)

And I also wondered if you and I would look alike and how much so so we could pull such stunts and pranks on people in the first place! ;)

And by the way, I would really like to know: Are you the one that puts heart shapes in my path so that I see them and think of you? It happened so innocently and spontaneously until I discovered in hindsight that I had a heart collection, I mean heart-shaped collection of items.

I later became aware of them over the years when I would see it especially in nature such as stones or even leaves or trees, and so many things like in my kitchen or elsewhere! ;)

Was that you whispering to me, letting me know of your presence? Was that a symbol of your love for me? Was that the reason why my inspired poem entitled
"You"
came to mind, because it was about reflection, and being a twin is like that.

Did you happen to know dear twin, that a perfect heart shape is made up of two perfect halves, like a twin?

Will I ever hear or know the answers to all these questions and more that I have been thinking of over the years?

Will it even matter when I see you, when we meet beyond this realm? Will I be able to embrace you and will I weep all my pent-up tears over all these years as I feel them now running down my cheeks, or will we kiss and hug each other in joy and laughter?

Oh God, how hard it is to be a surviving twin...at times. I know I am strong, but sometimes it’s so tough. It’s tough to be alone as I feel so often in life. So many people do not see me, the real me, not know me or understand me.

That is why I have looked for you, looked for you everywhere, searched for your presence everywhere in others. Occasionally I would meet someone who would symbolically represent you, usually in a workshop of which I have taken many to uncover and unearth the layers of emotions, especially anger and sadness that I have felt most of my life.

I no longer cry as much since my cycle ended and sometimes I wish just for that reason, and that reason alone that it didn’t stop just yet. It’s so healing and cleansing to cry.

Just remember this please, that no matter what happens I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here, here with me, here to hold my hand, here to give me a hug, here to share joy and tears and laughter.

May you, wherever you are, be at peace, at peace in your heart and soul...till we meet, and then may I join you and feel that too.

Love you dear twin, love you sis. <3 Namaste. Now your turn: have you ever written a letter to a dead relative as if they were alive? How did you find the experience?

19 comments:

  1. This is such a heart felt post Ell...I don't think I can say anything that can express how beautiful this is...

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    1. Yes, it is Naba...it certainly is. ;) Thanks for your kind words: much appreciated! :) <3

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  2. Wow! What an amazing letter, Elly. It raised a lump in my throat. Those heart shapes are spectacular and what a positive association you have of it. I lost my mum almost 14 years ago. I miss her so much even now.Sometimes I speak to her in my mind. But have never written a letter.

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    1. Thanks Rachna. :) Yes, it is fun to find heart shapes in LOTS of things...I could have published a heart calendar or the like (as I have seen others). ;) Losing a mother is one of the hardest losses I imagine as she gave birth to you. Why don't you consider writing a letter to her as I did. It may help in the grieving/healing process. <3

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  3. Wow... I am just speechless!! this is so touching and beautiful. The way you feel her presence and the way you have described it ... got a lump in my throat reading it.

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    1. Thanks Raj. I am glad that you are moved by it. I certainly was! ;) <3

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  4. Hugs Elly. I don't have words to offer you for what I've just read, or rather to fill the hole in your heart. Some questions have no answers but are destined to happen as a part of our karmic cycle, I believe.
    I feel the heart shaped things that you keep finding is actually your twin peeping out from these hearts, trying to reach out and tell you she's around you in her own unique way. Take care <3

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    1. Oftentimes touch can be and is even more powerful than words, especially when it comes to loss. So I will heartily accept hugs from you, even virtual ones or whatever they call it online. ;) I truly believe that I will come to know the answers once I leave this earth plane as it has been my heart's desires to have these questions fulfilled. However, in the interim, I suppose seeing heart shapes will do wherever they come from, twin or not. ;) <3

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    2. Loved your passionate comment to Vinodini +elly stornebrink

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    3. Thanks Ajay though I think - hope too! - that I respond passionately in most cases! Thanks for visiting and dropping by a comment. :) <3

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  5. It's good to see you take an active role in your healing.

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    1. Yes, thanks. It actually does feel good to do that. I appreciate your comment. :) <3

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  6. That is overflowing with your love. Love the heart shapes. It is indeed therapeutic to write letters.
    God bless.

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    1. Yes, it certainly does overflow with love...and tears too! ;) I have written a blog post specifically on the heart shapes in relation to my twin: http://xpressyouressence.blogspot.ca/2012/02/communications-from-my-dead-twin.html if you are interested in reading more about this. ;) And I do agree that it is very cathartic to write such letters. :) <3

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  7. Mesmerizing. Am unable to put my emotions in words and sentences. Heartfelt.

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    1. Well, I suppose my heartfelt post was meant to 'mesmerize!' ;) I understand that one can be at a loss for words at times as they, well, get in the way and especially when it comes to grief.

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  8. It's so heart-touching and beautiful, Elly! Hey, look! Here's another "heart" strewn on your path! Maybe it is really her way of saying, she's still around you, and loves you too <3 :) you are a wonderful sister...and I understood your poem properly today...

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  9. Thanks for your comment Asma. I appreciate your heartfelt words. :) <3

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