Part 1: The (Healing) Power of Music

My choir director said singing in choir is like mindfulness. It took me a moment to comprehend her statement - I thought she meant meditation - while contemplating instances where music brings me to the present, to the sheet music, listening to others sing, hearing harmonious notes, and the like as she said, namely being aware and present. (My apologies for this outdated picture; however, it's the one that best captures the essence of this posting!)

I believe that dancing and walking, at times, are my primary forms of meditation. However, I can see that singing can be as well, during choir at least for me, as so often I sing while doing something else. For example, I may sing while I work (more so in past) or walking or bathing. This is why it took me a moment to understand her comment.

I have always loved music, have felt its deep and powerful influence – it’s no wonder I didn’t become a music therapist – as music moves me figuratively and literally, the latter as I have a hard time sitting still while listening to music, whether I am part of an audience or not. My body cannot help but to move while I sit, even if it is only my head nodding slightly or one foot tapping. I question how people can sit like a rock, especially when listening to infectious or contagiously happy music.

Does your body feel inclined to move when you hear music or not? (There is no right or wrong answer here by the way.)

Music moves me emotionally as well, primarily to the two seemingly extreme opposite emotions of joy and sadness. I say that as there is actually a fine line between the two. (One place I experienced this was in David McMurray Smith’s clowning class, www.fantasticspace.com/about.htm). If you haven’t experienced this personally, you probably witnessed it. For instance, young children and infants in particular can cry one moment and then laugh the next, and vice versa.

I have been moved to tears more often than not as a cathartically healing expression of music, sometimes to tears of joy as a result of such exquisite ethereal-sounding music, usually instrumental or classical. At other times lyrics strike a resonant chord within me, especially when they imitate my life which fuels teary eyes.

What I have come to notice over the years is that I tend to, almost always if not always, hear the music first. If I like it – I’m drawn to the beat first and foremost – then I’m inclined to listen to the words. It’s rarely the other way around. Besides, quite often music drowns out the words in songs.

Do you find that you too tend to hear the music before the words in a song?

Music is so healing, isn’t it?

It can be a vehicle for emotional catharsis whether you are releasing or uplifting your spirit. And it is such a collective universal soul experience: one common language we have as a race of people on planet earth.

What types of music do you find healing? Is there a particular genre that soothes and calms you? Settles and grounds you? Inspires you? Buoys your spirit?

Part 4: In a Funk - How I Got Out!

Though the causes of my depression aren’t as important now as they used to be, I’m (still) curious. However, I believe it’s important for me to pose the questions - see previous blog post, August 25th - since I don’t have concrete answers, as someone (or some of you) might be able to relate upon reading this, thus connecting the dots for you and/or for your loved ones.

In my August 25th posting I wrote, “More recently, could I have felt blue due to two work colleagues who left within the same week, and the director the following week (and all the ramifications associated with that, too many to mention here)? Could I feel like my soul isn’t growing like I’d like it to? Could I feel sad ‘cause I feel to blame and bad about my dream or vision not being fulfilled?

I suspect these points, especially the last one is closer to the truth for me for feeling downhearted as I remembered that I felt somewhat similar last year when my non-traditional, co-creative children’s choir didn’t come to fruition. I truly believe that the expectation(s) and the potential downfall, i.e., fear of failure brought me spiralling down. Yes, even before I realized that at least two children had registered!"

Through a coaching call that I had made two days prior (July 3rd) to my previous post, I became aware that the same feeling and situation occurred about a year ago when I attempted to launch my dream then! Ahha, there’s the culprit!

It was also pointed out to me through questioning during this call, that my state of funk was most likely due to me not living my passions. Other than my creative writing for my blog which I thoroughly enjoy and singing at choir practice - my heart hadn’t been in it for a few weeks at least - I wasn’t singing otherwise or dancing, another of my top passions.

Do you ever feel that way, i.e., like your heart and soul just can’t get into your passions? And what do you do when you get that way?

If you ever feel depressed or blue, do you ask yourself questions? If not, what questions could you ask? Could they help you to understand and overcome your state? Or what else could you do?

Part 3: In a Funk - Blue since Birth?!

In my previous blog posting, I mentioned that I would reveal some reasons why I might have been feeling blue since my birth. The following questions are a guesstimate of what could possibly be some root causes of depression that I experience from time to time.

Was I depressed in past due to the fact that my identical twin sister – apparently my twin flame or twin soul (even closer than a soul mate) – died shortly after birth? Did I pick up on my Mom’s emotions/energy after losing one of her daughters (my twin sister) and almost another, i.e., me? Did she experience postpartum depression? If so, did I or could I possibly have inherited a genetic predisposition to depression?

Did my parents or my Dad wish for a boy after having two girls? ("It's a girl!" again!!) Was I, due to being premature, in an incubator too long, withheld from my parent’s love, attention, and affection? (One cause of death in babies is a lack of affection.) Did I lack oxygen in my first moments of birth?

How could any of these factors have affected me?

More recently, could I have felt blue due to two work colleagues who left within the same week, and the director the following week (and all the ramifications associated with that, too many to mention here)? Could I feel like my soul isn’t growing like I’d like it to? Could I feel sad 'cause I feel to blame and bad about my dream or vision not being fulfilled?

I suspect these points in particular, especially the last one is closer to the truth for me as I remembered that I felt somewhat similar last year when my non-traditional, co-creative children’s choir didn’t come to fruition. I truly believe that the expectation(s) and the potential downfall, i.e., fear of failure brought me spiralling down. Yes, even before I realized that at least two children had registered this year!

Since my last blog posting, have you or anyone you know come to terms with any possible reasons for your (past/current) depression?

By the way, I did come out of my funk about two weeks after my previous posting and started to sing again and dance too - quite a bit lately - as well as wear bright(er) colours which I love, such as in the photo above. (Not the greatest photo of me; however, I was imitating one of the "Laughing Sculptures" - how appropriate! - located at the foot of English Bay in Vancouver. Yes, that's actually the name of the set of sculptures!)

NEXT POSTING: Stay tuned as to how I came out of my depression.

Side note: During the BrainSolutions Conference this weekend in Vancouver, Dr. Daniel Amen, an expert on brain enhancement stated that, other than the severely depressed, the effect of antidepressants is similar to placebos. A similar conclusion was made by the research findings of Dr. Irving Kirsch, Associate Director at Harvard Medical School where he indicates that antidepressants have little or no effect than that of placebos. (See page 12 in the August issue of common ground magazine.) Mind boggling don't you think?!

Part 2: In a Funk - Why the Blues?

If you can read the fine print on the (maximum-sized) picture, it reads, "Dead on the Heavy Funk".

In my July 21st blog posting, I spoke about being in a funk that lasted at least two months. It ended up lasting about two-and-a-half to three months.

Admittedly, I have been depressed on and off throughout my life. I’m convinced this is due to certain circumstances around my birth. (More about that in my next posting.) With the occasional depression here or there, seemingly circumstantial or what I term situational, I often come to an understanding why I feel blue afterwards or even during these episodic bouts. This occurs when I come to terms with the root cause(s).

It is in part with this knowledge or frame of mind that I refuse (to be on) medication for it as I know my condition is temporary and I’ll get over it…in time of course, yet that’s the irony, isn’t it!?

To exacerbate my depressive state perhaps is the knowledge that every drug has side effects, one in particular common to antidepressants that I wish to avoid.* And there are other reasons for my adamancy.

Please note reader that I am only referring to my choice: it is my decision and my personal path, not necessarily yours. Depression varies – almost wish not to even state that word as it carries such stigma, doesn’t it? – thus it is best to seek medical guidance based on your understanding of you, your life, and your circumstances. Hopefully your inner wisdom will guide you through the process, though not necessarily easy to trust when you are feeling down.

As a result of my emotional flatline state, I had my thyroid and iron re-tested (as I’ve done in past) – all was normal – and I even completed a stress test/depression questionnaire at my medical doctor’s office; the latter proved to be mid-range.

One possibility I had considered that might attribute to my depressive symptoms – were hormones, though I didn’t sense that that would be the primary reason and wasn’t sure if I wanted to undergo testing for this.

Stay tuned as my next posting will reveal some possible reasons why I was feeling blue...might be a clue...for you...or for someone you know.

What might some of the reasons be for your (past/current) depression or for someone you know?

*By the way, there was an interesting article, on page 12, in the August issue of common ground magazine about the questionable efficacy of antidepressants.