Your Heart's Desires

"What is the cost of not fulfilling your heart’s desires?" That was the question posed by a facilitator at the Women’s Spirituality Conference I attended about a month ago and her question struck me deep.

Actually the concept of heart’s desires was first introduced to me by a man I met a number of years ago who asked me, “What are your heart’s desires?” Let me tell you, I’ve been contemplating that question (though in different words) for a very long time even before meeting him.

So I ask you, what is the cost of not fulfilling your goals, and, more importantly, your dreams?

For me, a question that I find relevant is: "What is the cost of not speaking my truth? Not being true to myself: true to my essence, my pure light of being, my Christ consciousness (as some would say)?" You could ask yourself similarly (if you wish, of course!).

I also ask myself: "What is the goal of life if not to fulfill your calling, your path, your journey, your mission? Sharing your talents and gifts with each other and ultimately the world?" At least, that’s the way I see it.

For example, a part of me would like to have a place of my own. I don’t mean just living on my own (as I do now), but to truly have a place that is mine. And with things that represent me, but again more importantly, for stability and peace of mind., at least in terms of not having to move from place to place, time and time again. I mean how many moves and people’s time and energy do I want to invest in that?!

I’m not in want of a huge place. I wouldn’t even want such a home unless I was rich and could afford a maid and/or gardener! Just enough room for my stuff and to move and dance freely. That is all, all I ask for. Is that too much?

Realistically speaking though, I am just over 50 years of age. Do I really want to put all my money into a home paying for it the rest of my life? And who knows how long I could live in it and/or take care of it anyway.

Furthermore, I believe my path is contrary to an ordinary, more common or popular way of life. That is why I think I need to live by example when I live my dream. This is important to me. And this is why I feel I’m not "supposed" to own a home. I believe it’s not conducive to my Higher Self or my calling. (Though who knows, I could be wrong!)

I believe my soul would rather live my higher calling, and in essence, that is to be of service to people. Within this is my dream that I would like to fulfill. This requires me to concentrate my attention and energies to it. I wrote about it – my dream – in my first two blogs and would love for you to read them. Besides, otherwise this posting could be a lot longer! ; )

So, what are your heart’s desires? What would happen if they were fulfilled? Or not? How would you feel? Ponder these questions till my next posting and I’ll do the same.

Contests and Competition

I HATE competition! Ok, strong word I realize. Perhaps you prefer detest, despise, loathe or the like. No matter, because hate is the word that accurately describes my feelings about this issue.

Why do we live in such a competitive world where the fastest, most beautiful, sexiest, popular individuals are determined to be superior than others? And thrive or seem to.

Where did competitiveness originate? Did someone invent competitions (and thus the spirit of competitiveness), and, more importantly why...what's the point?

We are bombarded with the competitive spirit daily – through sports including the Olympics, award shows (like the Oscars), talent shows (like American Idol), etc. – in the media, especially on TV and even the internet – look at the list of friends on people’s Facebook page online. Do some people really have 500 friends or more?! I mean, really!

Even though I know a lot of people through various employment, volunteer, education, and community and social events over the years, I still don’t have to have – or want – tons of so-called friends on Facebook or any other social media for that matter. (Perhaps if I had my own business, I might care to have a wealthy network of contacts, but that’s an entirely different matter.)

I can hardly keep up with a few friends in terms of my busy schedule, yet alone emails. I used to love email when it first came out. What a novelty! Now I face the daunting task of choosing which ones to open up and answer. Who has time for that?

The race to compete starts as young as childhood being compared with siblings or relatives or friends (at home); through spelling bees, grades, scholarships (at school); growing into adolescence with peer pressure through friends, social status, clothes; and into adulthood with family, earnings, promotions, assets (house, vehicle), and 'toys' such as technology to cite some examples.

Another example of competitions are contests, that sometimes directly fuel the spirit of winning.

I recently entered one for the ‘Best Conversation Ever’ to have the opportunity to chat with someone of your choosing. Five Canadians would be chosen to win. (On a side note, aren’t we all winners for one reason or another, even in the game of life?)

This is what I wrote: Who immediately came to mind to have the best chat ever with is President Obama.

I would love to, be honoured and delighted and thrilled to speak to this amazing man.

What makes President Obama tick, other than his beautiful wife and children of course!?

How does he make decisions? What inspires him? How does he keep so amazingly calm and steadfast amongst tumultuous storms in political and worldly affairs?

What kinds of books does he love to read? What does he write other than the books he wrote?

I'd also like to discuss spiritual matters, matters of the heart, that are at the core of everyday life, like peace.

During his inauguration, Obama exuded such a quiet and gentle strength that oozed out of him as poise and confidence. His speech was eloquent, yet simple and sincere. I was SO happy when he became President even though I didn't know anything about him. It was just something that I noticed, that I felt.

When I remember, I pray for him and his family. Now, I don't normally do this for Presidents! But Obama, well, he is an exception indeed! And I would love to speak with this wonderful man, this exceptional human being.

Now I know my writing was not the best or would even be deemed as popular (at least in terms of votes) as I wrote this rather quickly, realizing it was the last day of the contest and I was on a relatively tight deadline having other commitments that day.

And I also know that I didn’t say what the true spiritual matters were that I wanted to discuss as I didn’t feel right or ‘safe’ enough to express online. Instead I wrote ‘peace’ as neutral ground. What I felt compelled to ask about was his knowledge of the ‘new kids on the block’ so to speak, including his children most likely.

This contest where I could interview him and ask such things ended up being more of a popularity contest as you needed to acquire (or score) as many votes as possible. I certainly didn’t expect to win this on such a basis. Well I’m not running for President so why should I care for votes or popularity! I just want to speak to the man: wasn’t that the (initial) intent of the contest?

Nevertheless, unbeknownst to the judges and viewers (voters/deciders), I know my heart was sincere and pure in my asking. I mean, not only for the reasons I mention, but I really don’t have any idols in terms of media and the like (that I can think of). Well other than Oprah perhaps, but more for her ability to influence and make a difference in other peoples’ lives for the better and on such a grand scale. Obama would be the only other person that I consider truly inspirational on such a massive level in terms of worldly influence.

Speaking of which, when I was in grade five or six, I started reading biographies of famous people after my teacher read the story of Harriet Tubman. As a result of these stories, I remember thinking that one day I wanted to be famous. Ha! Who was I kidding? I realize now that is not necessarily what I wanted, though I thought it was at the time (and for the longest time).

What I really, really, truly wanted was (and still want is) the opportunity to make a difference in peoples’ lives: a big difference, a major one that would rock the world. (Okay I may be getting a little carried away here. You get the point.)

I’m still waiting to accomplish that, wondering what natural talents and gifts I possess that I can utilize to establish (profound) life-altering changes for others. Instead, for now (and for most of my life), I end up walking a lonely road taking the road less travelled by (as in Robert Frost’s poem) in order to try and achieve this. I’m still pondering as I do my best to pursue the guidance of my spirit. And contests, especially popularity ones, won't necessarily help me.

What are your views on competition? And who would you want to speak with and why? (No, just kidding. I don’t expect you to answer the latter question. That might appear to be combative or antagonistic, i.e., competitive in nature! ;)

At an Impasse

One early February morning a few weeks ago, as I’m riding the bus to work, I noticed a number of (new?) nests perched steadfastly on bare trees alongside a very busy Vancouver street. I’m reminded of the cycle of death and birth or rather death and rebirth, whether physically or metaphorically.

As the song title “All My Life’s a Circle” implies, these cycles continue throughout our lives. They come in forms such as the 24-hour day, the seasons, and so on. And one cycle I occasionally experience is feeling stuck in my life (as we all do from time to time).

I felt like I came to an impasse – that is the word that came to me – the past few months. I wondered if this was in correlation with my vision therapy which felt like it had come to a halt. Did my vision come at an impasse first or my life? Did one affect the other and vice versa? This was my guess. Robert-Michael Kaplan, my original vision therapist, concurred with my speculation.

Feeling stuck to me is like feeling dead. Being at an impasse made me feel somewhat dead, lifeless to some degree in not living fully (including my passions). This is unusual for me not only because I love to learn and grow – my favourite word growing up was potential - but also because most of my life (until a couple of years ago), I prayed the most feverous appeals to know and live my purpose, mission, and passions.

This urge, this hunger to know was the (pronounced as thee) most important thing to me, even more so than a loving, committed relationship which I desired (and still do). That intensity, that urge to know fueled my life and was a persistent lingering in the back of my mind. It rarely left me.

Somehow something happened to make this fuel disappear and I’m not sure what it was. Was it because I turned 50?

No, I still had it as I worked hard to launch a dream last summer. (I wrote about this in one of my earliest blogs. In essence, even though I spent seemingly every free minute on fulfilling this dream which entailed early mornings and very late evenings, I felt so alive like never before.)

Was it because I needed a break from life with my busyness of searching for a roommate for a couple of months, then deciding to move instead, and all that that decision entailed? It was certainly an intense and stressful period.

I don’t think it was necessarily any of these things.

Yet, something in me felt drawn to attend a writing group last night. I chose a card from a deck that ‘spoke’ to me. On the front was written, “Life is Always in Motion, so I cannot be stuck” while on the back were the words, “It is not possible to stand still or be stuck because Energy, and thus life, is always in motion. Things are always changing. The reason it may feel to you as if you are stuck is because while you are continuing to think the same thoughts, things are changing – but they are changing to the same thing over and over.”

‘Wow!, I thought, ‘How interesting!’ This card affirmed that life is a cycle not only with my thoughts, but also the results of my thoughts even if they are the same ones!

Of course I can look back and see what might have caused this standstill. However, in looking forward, the more important question here is: How can I get out of feeling stuck? Even though (according to the card), there’s no such thing as the outcomes are repeatedly the same.

In answering that question, I realized, or rather remembered, that it takes only one step, even just a baby step (forward) to feel unstuck. So my actions this week – auditioning for the third time in my life and attending a writing group (something that I’ve been wanting to do for some time) – helped to propel me onward in a positive direction.

These steps are moving me forward, incrementally, as they are calling me, pulling open my heart and body as I progress while pursuing my passions of the creative and performing arts. This for me is, indeed, a step in the right direction!

Now, my turn to ask you: How are you feeling with the way your life is going (or moving)? What direction have you taken? Are you at a crossroads? Feeling stuck? Or are you moving forward, even gradually, towards your dream(s)? What steps or actions are you taking?

I commend you if you are moving forward. But even if not, I commend you for being aware. For being aware is the first key to change. It is only then that you can take action, any action, even seemingly small to fulfill your heart’s desires and your soul’s purpose.

Come travel alongside me as we journey together…forward and onward. Ho!

Death Befalls Me

The face of death has appeared twice within approximately the past year-and-a-half with work colleagues. One woman was about a year or so older than me, the other a bit older perhaps.

This makes me question my health: Am I a potential candidate for diabetes (which can be a cause of death) as I love sweets!? For a heart attack as I can be intense at times? For cancer as I suppress a lot of emotions especially anger and sadness?

This also makes me question my own mortality. Though I used to have a personal death wish, I generally don’t wish to die anytime soon (except for the odd time when I’m experiencing intense emotional pain which does happen on occasion).

Whenever I’m in extreme pain and/or severely ill (and feel like I may be dying), it might be better if I put this into perspective. That this is better than the alternative so-to-speak.

This reminds of an incident when the building manager where I used to work spoke to me about her pains associated with a fall she experienced. She remarked, "Better than the alternative to not getting old." I was puzzled by her comment as I didn’t understand what she was alluding to and thus asked her what she meant. She repeated herself.

Ah! I chuckled. I understood and certainly agreed, but of course! However, when I am physically and/or psychologically in pain, sometimes the pain is so excruciating that one would rather be dead, at least momentarily. If that were at all possible. Well, perhaps it is!

Perhaps I have and still do. I mean, how often do I dull or desensitize (think ‘deaden’) my feelings and/or pain with addiction? I know that whenever I am feeling vulnerable, especially if I feel emotionally sensitive or ‘on edge,’ whether sad or depressed, lonely, angry, etc., that I am usually prone to addictive behaviour.

I used to believe only certain types of people were ‘guilty’ of experiencing addictions. I’ve since come to believe that we all suffer from at least one form of addiction that masks our true essence, whether mild or extreme or anywhere in between. Addictions that can include alcohol and/or drugs, gambling, shopping, food, internet (social networking, porn), sex, and so on.

I’ve also come to believe that there are many addictions, even ones that may not be considered as such, like – as I just read in a book – addicted to the approval of others, also known as ‘people pleasing.’ Or how about worrying? Or perfectionism? Or being a control freak?

Addictions can be and feel like death or a mini-death can’t they? Numbing our senses, even temporarily, and our true self in the hope of zoning out and escaping our pain.

What is/are your addiction(s) and how do you deal with them? Do you have support? If so, from whom? A support group? Friends? Family? Does your support system help keep you sane and focused? Or controlled enough to stay away from your addiction(s) temporarily or long term?

Spare me all the details. I am only offering an opportunity for speculation as you ponder over these questions. However, I am open to your feedback and suggestions, including helping me with mine! ; )

BTW (by the way), speaking on the topic of death, I noticed today that the angel is gone! (The one I wrote about in my previous blog.) It was like she died and perhaps I did too just a tad as I felt so disheartened. Yet I was extremely grateful that I took photos of her before she totally disappeared. Now I wonder: Who took her (away) and why?! : (