At an Impasse

One early February morning a few weeks ago, as I’m riding the bus to work, I noticed a number of (new?) nests perched steadfastly on bare trees alongside a very busy Vancouver street. I’m reminded of the cycle of death and birth or rather death and rebirth, whether physically or metaphorically.

As the song title “All My Life’s a Circle” implies, these cycles continue throughout our lives. They come in forms such as the 24-hour day, the seasons, and so on. And one cycle I occasionally experience is feeling stuck in my life (as we all do from time to time).

I felt like I came to an impasse – that is the word that came to me – the past few months. I wondered if this was in correlation with my vision therapy which felt like it had come to a halt. Did my vision come at an impasse first or my life? Did one affect the other and vice versa? This was my guess. Robert-Michael Kaplan, my original vision therapist, concurred with my speculation.

Feeling stuck to me is like feeling dead. Being at an impasse made me feel somewhat dead, lifeless to some degree in not living fully (including my passions). This is unusual for me not only because I love to learn and grow – my favourite word growing up was potential - but also because most of my life (until a couple of years ago), I prayed the most feverous appeals to know and live my purpose, mission, and passions.

This urge, this hunger to know was the (pronounced as thee) most important thing to me, even more so than a loving, committed relationship which I desired (and still do). That intensity, that urge to know fueled my life and was a persistent lingering in the back of my mind. It rarely left me.

Somehow something happened to make this fuel disappear and I’m not sure what it was. Was it because I turned 50?

No, I still had it as I worked hard to launch a dream last summer. (I wrote about this in one of my earliest blogs. In essence, even though I spent seemingly every free minute on fulfilling this dream which entailed early mornings and very late evenings, I felt so alive like never before.)

Was it because I needed a break from life with my busyness of searching for a roommate for a couple of months, then deciding to move instead, and all that that decision entailed? It was certainly an intense and stressful period.

I don’t think it was necessarily any of these things.

Yet, something in me felt drawn to attend a writing group last night. I chose a card from a deck that ‘spoke’ to me. On the front was written, “Life is Always in Motion, so I cannot be stuck” while on the back were the words, “It is not possible to stand still or be stuck because Energy, and thus life, is always in motion. Things are always changing. The reason it may feel to you as if you are stuck is because while you are continuing to think the same thoughts, things are changing – but they are changing to the same thing over and over.”

‘Wow!, I thought, ‘How interesting!’ This card affirmed that life is a cycle not only with my thoughts, but also the results of my thoughts even if they are the same ones!

Of course I can look back and see what might have caused this standstill. However, in looking forward, the more important question here is: How can I get out of feeling stuck? Even though (according to the card), there’s no such thing as the outcomes are repeatedly the same.

In answering that question, I realized, or rather remembered, that it takes only one step, even just a baby step (forward) to feel unstuck. So my actions this week – auditioning for the third time in my life and attending a writing group (something that I’ve been wanting to do for some time) – helped to propel me onward in a positive direction.

These steps are moving me forward, incrementally, as they are calling me, pulling open my heart and body as I progress while pursuing my passions of the creative and performing arts. This for me is, indeed, a step in the right direction!

Now, my turn to ask you: How are you feeling with the way your life is going (or moving)? What direction have you taken? Are you at a crossroads? Feeling stuck? Or are you moving forward, even gradually, towards your dream(s)? What steps or actions are you taking?

I commend you if you are moving forward. But even if not, I commend you for being aware. For being aware is the first key to change. It is only then that you can take action, any action, even seemingly small to fulfill your heart’s desires and your soul’s purpose.

Come travel alongside me as we journey together…forward and onward. Ho!