Death Befalls Me

The face of death has appeared twice within approximately the past year-and-a-half with work colleagues. One woman was about a year or so older than me, the other a bit older perhaps.

This makes me question my health: Am I a potential candidate for diabetes (which can be a cause of death) as I love sweets!? For a heart attack as I can be intense at times? For cancer as I suppress a lot of emotions especially anger and sadness?

This also makes me question my own mortality. Though I used to have a personal death wish, I generally don’t wish to die anytime soon (except for the odd time when I’m experiencing intense emotional pain which does happen on occasion).

Whenever I’m in extreme pain and/or severely ill (and feel like I may be dying), it might be better if I put this into perspective. That this is better than the alternative so-to-speak.

This reminds of an incident when the building manager where I used to work spoke to me about her pains associated with a fall she experienced. She remarked, "Better than the alternative to not getting old." I was puzzled by her comment as I didn’t understand what she was alluding to and thus asked her what she meant. She repeated herself.

Ah! I chuckled. I understood and certainly agreed, but of course! However, when I am physically and/or psychologically in pain, sometimes the pain is so excruciating that one would rather be dead, at least momentarily. If that were at all possible. Well, perhaps it is!

Perhaps I have and still do. I mean, how often do I dull or desensitize (think ‘deaden’) my feelings and/or pain with addiction? I know that whenever I am feeling vulnerable, especially if I feel emotionally sensitive or ‘on edge,’ whether sad or depressed, lonely, angry, etc., that I am usually prone to addictive behaviour.

I used to believe only certain types of people were ‘guilty’ of experiencing addictions. I’ve since come to believe that we all suffer from at least one form of addiction that masks our true essence, whether mild or extreme or anywhere in between. Addictions that can include alcohol and/or drugs, gambling, shopping, food, internet (social networking, porn), sex, and so on.

I’ve also come to believe that there are many addictions, even ones that may not be considered as such, like – as I just read in a book – addicted to the approval of others, also known as ‘people pleasing.’ Or how about worrying? Or perfectionism? Or being a control freak?

Addictions can be and feel like death or a mini-death can’t they? Numbing our senses, even temporarily, and our true self in the hope of zoning out and escaping our pain.

What is/are your addiction(s) and how do you deal with them? Do you have support? If so, from whom? A support group? Friends? Family? Does your support system help keep you sane and focused? Or controlled enough to stay away from your addiction(s) temporarily or long term?

Spare me all the details. I am only offering an opportunity for speculation as you ponder over these questions. However, I am open to your feedback and suggestions, including helping me with mine! ; )

BTW (by the way), speaking on the topic of death, I noticed today that the angel is gone! (The one I wrote about in my previous blog.) It was like she died and perhaps I did too just a tad as I felt so disheartened. Yet I was extremely grateful that I took photos of her before she totally disappeared. Now I wonder: Who took her (away) and why?! : (