Part 2 Aftermath ... Accepting and Expressing

In my previous posting on the aftermath of the riot which I felt compelled to write (and did so extremely quickly), I wrote in part that in order to find peace, we must be peace. Likewise, that the reflection of our inner world is reflected in our outer world and vice versa. What does that say about us and the Vancouver riot that occurred two weeks ago? I know this might sound quite controversial, but I am speaking on a spiritual level.

What I didn’t mention previously is this: we all have a dark side. We all have the ability to love and to hate, to love and to kill. Love and fear are supposedly opposites. although most people think that love and hate are. Regardless, though these are extremes, I’m saying that every human being has the potential to express both, to the same degree.

We all have the potential to swing either way on the pendulum. Luckily most of us don’t swing on the dark side or too often. However, most of us don’t wish to accept our dark side or even see it at all and that is when we find ourselves in trouble, unbeknownst to us, at least initially.

You see, the dark side is still an aspect of your soul and if you resist it, it will eventually catch up with you. There’s a saying, "what you resist, persists.”

Similarly, what you resist is what you repress, denounce, avoid, deny. Example: you might not admit or even know that you’re a rageaholic, a term the author John Bradshaw used to describe himself in past. Furthermore, you may be an alcoholic portraying all the classic symptoms and be a violent one at that! Then you hit bottom.

Your hitting bottom may be experienced as the ‘dark night of the soul’ that Thomas Moore and others write about.

I have experienced this dark night, rather dark nights of the soul, an arduous journey that I so desperately wanted to run away and hide from, but it was too deep, way too deep for me to even climb out of it. It felt like an abyss, so dismal and dark.

This experience is not for the faint of heart and is certainly not a fun place to be in or live from. I don’t recommend it. However, it may be a necessary obstacle to overcome in order to balance amd assimilate our light(er) side, and come to terms with ourselves, both the light and the dark, these polar aspects of our soul.

Think of the light side as your essence, your true essence. Some of you may have questioned – I did! – after my posting on the riot’s aftermath – what has this (riot) to do with ‘expressing your essence?’ (as that is currently part of my blog name, albeit I’m considering changing it). Good question! I’m glad you asked! ; )

Well, it is about that which I just wrote. And it is also about the importance of expressing your essence, in this case your emotions – so-called ‘good’ and ‘bad’ (as there’s really no such thing, that’s just human labeling) in a healthy way. If all the rioters, whether ‘die-hard’ hockey fans expressed their anger/frustrations in a ‘positive’ or healthy way, the riot would never have taken place.

Now I don’t know about you, but I have at times expressed my frustrations and anger in a not-always healthy and/or liked manner by the general public (i.e., those who were effected), and thus have asked the question: HOW does one express their anger and frustrations in a healthy way? Well again, thanks for asking! ; )

This is probably what drew me, in part, to study the expressive arts, perhaps on an unconscious or subconscious level.

Expressive arts therapy is a form of (psycho)therapy – I personally don’t care for that term – but it is – using Wikipedia as my source and perhaps a better explanation and more succinct than my own definition – described as follows: “Expressive therapy, also known as expressive arts therapy or creative arts therapy, is the use of the creative arts as a form of therapy. Unlike traditional art expressions, the process of creation is emphasized rather than the final product. Expressive therapy is predicated on the assumption that people can heal through use of imagination and the various forms of creative expression.”

I love that expressive arts therapy can heal people through the use of imagination and I also love that it focuses more on the creative process rather than the final product. If you read my bio, you would know that I have a passion for the creative and performing arts which is another reason why expressive arts therapy appealed to me.

The creative forms I studied included the visual arts (primarily painting), sound, movement, clowning, psychodrama, mask making, clay, poetry, and fairytales. Through these various mediums, I was able to at times channel my energy including anger and frustration. (Groups always trigger emotions!)

I learned to express these emotions in a healthy way that is considered acceptable to society, i.e., harmless. Now I know I may be a bit of a rebel at times (not in a bad way per se, more like playing devil’s advocate), but there comes a point when I need to be reasonable and follow the guidelines of acceptability, aka conformity, for a host of reasons. (You’ll understand more when I write about this topic in future. It relates to what I believe my purpose is.)

There are numerous ways to express yourself not limited to the (art) modalities I mentioned above: you can exercise, play sports, vent/shout/swear/scream (sometimes preferably in a pillow or something or else someone may either call 911 and/or think you’re crazy unfortunately), and the like.

But what about before a situation or temper gets out of control? What about curbing anger and frustration in the first place? Any way to express yourself healthily can be a great outlet in letting off steam. Such ways may include playing a musical instrument, singing, meditating, yoga, walking/hiking and the like in nature, and talking things out with someone you love and/or the person(s) you are having challenges with in a respectful manner. Blab if need be instead of blowing up. Get things in control before they become out of control, right?!

And accept yourself just the way you are with both your ‘good’ and ‘bad’ sides. However, focus on the light, your light, and let that light shine, your light shine like the song" "This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine..."

p.s. Photo on the right is courtesy of Ray Van Eng (www.vancouver21.com). The one at the far right with me in it is the only one I seemed to have as I apparently misplaced (deleted?) some beautiful close-up photos that I had taken of the lit Olympic cauldron from above. When I saw it (lit at night) the song, "This Little Light of Mine" came to mind. Something of beauty, of remembering my light came to mind when I saw its majestic beauty and I was in awe of this.

A Place to Call Home

This was the posting I had originally intended on Thanksgiving Monday as I have posted every other Monday as of late. Since writing this, I have discovered that this place may not be - available - after all. However, I will still share it in the hopes that it might help someone if they find themself in a similar circumstance or help me (perhaps manifest a new or ideal home if this isn’t the one ... something as good or even better, though this was almost perfect!).


Remember in my previous posting (if you read it…go ahead and read it now before this one!), that I spoke about patterns in life?

One of the patterns that my roommate and I experienced while searching for a third where I currently live was attracting people with a mental health disability and/or people who were affiliated, for example working in the field. We were also attracting responses from really young people, from late teens to early 20’s, mostly males. And people from other countries.

Well? “What about it?” you might ask. Well, I think the universe has a sense of humour at times because it seems like this time I attracted a three-in-one package deal! Let me explain.

As my roommate recently gave notice to move as we were having difficulty finding a roommate to share this big bright house, I decided to as well as I had enough of weeds, cold, and ants. I wanted my ideal place to call ‘home.’

I discovered one place that I felt was ideal as it met most of the conditions except for one major one: the area in terms of transportation primarily to and from work, as well as choir rehearsal and community events that I attend (often as a volunteer). Otherwise it was perfect. New, clean, double-paned windows, a woman same age and single as I, and pets (including my favourite cat), near nature (trees and water).

However, I decided to repost my Craigs List ad Friday morning and keep it posted even though I had given a cheque for the damage deposit after work that same day. Was that my intuition at work? I did feel a little off about the decision though not sure 100% why. I think a possible feeling of isolation and safety (in terms of the bus routes) were the concerns I had.

The feelings persisted all during the long weekend and particularly when two people made a comment that raised a red flag for me in my mind as if in warning. One was that I didn’t seem happy about my potential move. The other was the word ‘safety’ and I’m generally a courageous person walking in the dark and through woods (well, when I was in my mid-teens anyway). However, there are no lights in these woods so it is potentially very dark at night. At a brisk pace, it is a good five-minute walk out of the woods in broad daylight.

On Thanksgiving Day, I received a call from a woman late afternoon whom I had originally met at a workshop and/or networking group a number of years ago. She happens to live in the same neighbourhood (about 10 blocks south of where I currently live) and is originally from another country. She also happens to have a child with an intellectual health disability who is male and young (early 20’s). Sound familiar? This is the pattern I was referring to earlier.

A friend who joined me to see the home said the word 'cozy' when we first saw the house from the street. I loved the look of the house from the outside immediately including the colour (blue, my favourite), and the garden and porch at front even before I walked in.

She very recently moved into this lovely home on a curve of a road slightly tucked away with a front yard with trees and bushes seemingly protective of her dwelling. Her home is beautiful, bright, cheery, ‘natural’ (lots of wood including attractive hardwood floors and wooden beams downstairs), with an oasis of a garden both at the front and the back. It has the look and feel of a sanctuary and I fell in love with it instantly.

I love everything about the home that I saw except for the single-paned windows. However, that can be remedied by plastic and/or other means to deal with it, like socks and slippers, sweaters, and blankets.

I was given a choice of a potential bedroom which I thought was pretty neat. My preference was the pretty, light-blue bedroom upstairs with south-facing French doors greeting the porch at back and a window facing west where more natural and bright light can enter. (My soul needs a lot of light.) The main common living space upstairs has windows too including one facing west that has a lovely stained glass window. This house has character and personality from the natural wood and beautiful wooden floors (which I prefer over carpeting) including the wooden beams downstairs, to the stained glass windows and built-in bookshelf, to the gas fireplace to the chalkboard wall. Now that is a pretty sweet deal!

I can actually write notes to her/her son/myself AND most fun of all poetry and/or songs if there's room while the owner writes stories as she is a storyteller! Then there’s the back garden and patio outdoors (where I can hang laundry as I notice she does too).

The home is bright and cheerful with painted walls of various hues instead of traditional – and boring – sterile (institutionalized), off-white or shell walls. The vivacious colours of the home reminds me that my potential roommate (owner of the home) and I share a desire for beauty and colour as I notice she too has colourful dishes (original mugs/cups made in Italy for example, not manufactured as clones like an assembly line).

That really appeals to my sense of beauty that my soul requires as well. The place including garden at front and back is inspiring and that is what I ideally prefer to have in my new home, a place to create and a feeling of inspiration to do so.

I prefer to create a place called 'home' that is a sanctuary and haven for both her and I that meet and match both our needs. My heart and spirit knows and feels this is an ideal place for me and my soul to be safe and feel nurtured.

I am truly grateful for her timely and synchronistic call. If it wasn’t for my friend visiting, I may not have gone out in the rain and cold down the hill and back by foot (as I misplaced my bus pass and had a bit of a sore throat).

So indeed this is a thanksgiving for me to be giving thanks...for all that I have...abundance, friendships, food, laughter, joy, a light heart, beauty, colour, a potentially bright and homey place to call ‘home.’ Ah (sigh). Relief! And joy and gladness and … GRATITUDE!


Unfortunately, since the writing of this post, this place may not be available if her daugher moves in. Apparently she wants to return to stay with her mom. I just have to trust and have faith that whatever will be, will be (que sera, sera).

There I go again, needing to relearn the lesson(s) so I don’t have to repeat them and learn the hard way.

The lesson in all this for me expressed succinctly is as follows: trust and follow my intuition as it heeds me all along! I need to pay more attention to it instead of coming from a place of fear and lack, rather than trust and abundance which the universe is.

I believe I was trying to force myself into the situation, talking myself into it, justifying and defending what I thought was meant to be. I need to remember that in order to find a place called home, I need to tune in to my ‘home’ (my heart chakra/intuition).


I will probably reconnect with you readers (thank you for being that) sometime after my move next month, not necessarily Mon. Oct. 25th or the week thereof. I shall see how things go. Hopefully I will share a magically magnificent miracle! I’m counting on one...NOW!

Till next time!

A Matter of Degrees

When people look at my business card or on the internet to see what my experience is, they won’t find a degree designation on my business card or if they google my name on the internet. I don’t have one nor do I want one! (More about that in another post!)

Besides, who says a person has to have a degree to be successful in life? Who says that a person with a B.A. or an M.A. is better - more experienced? - than a person with no degree at all? What about life’s experiences? Does that count? Does that matter?

My mother is a good example of this. She is a wise person or ‘soul’ (and I rarely use that word so you can imagine the respect I have for it), highly intuitive (and an extreme empath), immensely practical, and very creative. She is wonderfully knowledgeable as well, not in an educational sense (having completed grade 7 at most), but in relation to having a multitude of unique and enriching life’s experiences. Moreover or perhaps because of all this, she can easily associate and work with all kinds of people as she relates at their level, wherever they’re at!

As a senior, my mother had to relate to many men as she learned about my brother’s camping trailer business. She became an expert at trailer parts, knowing about their details, inside and out (I couldn’t even imagine)! When I saw her one day in the office years ago and a man entered the store asking for help, I realized immediately what my Mom’s role and purpose was!

Speaking about role and purpose, I believe that my co-creative children’s choir is a part of my journey. How many people with a B.A. or M.A. or even a Ph.D. can say that they know what their purpose in life is? And, by the way, I’m not speaking about a universal life purpose that everyone has and shares. I’m talking about an individual’s life purpose or mission.

Despite that, I consider myself having a B.A. in life. I say this because of various life’s experiences I’ve had. (I would say an M.A. if I was or had been married and a Ph.D. if I had kids, but that’s only my philosophy.)

I’m feeling a burning passion as I write all this. People who question, and rightfully so, my background or expertise when they remark, for instance, that I only have a ‘certificate’ but not a degree. In that case, refer to my previous postings and bio please!... and thanks!).

If people understand where I truly am coming from and know what I know, they would likely be less judgmental and instead be supportive, understanding, and appreciative of my efforts.

I find these people exist few and far in between, though more likely in the spiritual community where I thrive and flourish. In the so-called ‘normal’ – what’s that?! - everyday world, I rarely find it. There are only a very few people who ‘know’ me and ‘get me’ at a deep level. These people also happen to believe in me.

One person who ‘gets me’ is my current best (female) friend (as people often go in and out of my life). She is also a unique, rare human being. Sometimes it takes one to know one! ; )

Interestingly enough, the other person who ‘knows’ me happens to be a vision therapist! (He now calls himself a vision educator.) It was through the use of iridology to examine my eyes that he got to see who I truly was. He expressed to me the discovery of the beauty and rare gem that I am. I say this humbly because, long story short, I always need to re-discover that.

Many people - both male and female - have told me that I have beautiful blue eyes. They do say that the eyes are the windows of the soul. ; )

And I know myself, my soul enough to know that I have a kind and good and gentle heart, one in which I strive to be honest and authentic in my dealings with others. And a degree of any kind, on any matter, won’t tell you any of that! It also won’t tell you that I know I can direct a children’s choir and that I have already done this to some degree (pardon the pun).

Call to Action

When Spirit speaks - whichever term you prefer to use - you're meant to heed the call. This is what is happening for me. Taking a sole (soul) step at a time.

You see, Spirit guided me to what became my dream during the wee hours a number of years ago. It felt like information downloaded in a continuous flow in my mind about a choir for children and/or youth. I got Angelic Voices as the name but have since seen it in a local newspaper advertising, what else, but, a children's choir! One reason to take action sooner! ; )

Like Marianne Williamson declares in her book, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, '...who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Yes, that is what I wondered: "I'm not a musician. I'm not a choir director." (I used to pretend to conduct though!) I'm not a this or a that, you name it." Anyone relate? However, she goes on to say, 'Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.'

It took me quite some years to realize that if I received this inspiration to begin with AND if I am still receiving information - a stream of consciousness recently flowed from 1 am to 3 am - then yes, it could happen. It is possible. Otherwise, someone else would have been divinely inspired with my idea. Thus, I believe I am meant to do this.

What turned out to be a dream, my dream, became like an itch that I couldn't relieve by scratching. It took me many years to figure out how I could go about doing this. How is this possible? How can I make this happen? I asked myself. I decided (or perhaps realized) that I could combine my expressive arts therapy training. The choir is meant to be non-traditional as I integrate the expressive arts focusing primarily on sound, movement, and art. The latter can include an array of the creative/expressive arts such as drama, puppets, and the like.

The decision to undertake the expressive arts program came about very spontaneously. Yet I believe it is a part of my strong drive to discover my passion(s), purpose, and mission in life. I believe I have come to know what it is. Phrased in positive terms it involves empowering and inspiring children and youth to be authentic and unique individuals. The vehicle is the expressive arts which I added to my mission statement before I discovered the program at Langara. I combine my life's experiences and learnings as well as my abundance of creative ideas. This includes the words, phrases, poetry, lyrics, and stories I often get in my head.

Earlier this year, strange as it may seem, I actually remembered my first love, my first passion. My main passion was singing, not dancing as I had thought, though I LOVE to dance and express myself through what I used to term creative dance/movement.

The funny thing is I started dancing at age 18 at a local disco. I was very stiff back then, feeling very self-conscious and awkward. It took me quite some time, years in fact, to loosen up and be able to move more freely.

Some people have commented that I'm a great dancer and well, I suppose I can be at times. At times when I feel the music in my heart, my soul, my body, my bones. At times when I dance with wild abandon, not caring who sees or what people think (which reminds me of the 13th century poet Rumi, 'I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think.') Yet sometimes when I look at others - comparing and judging myself to others (as I automatically do being born a middle child) - I see how some people move so gracefully, so effortlessly, with finesse. And I think, I wish I could dance like that.

All these years I have been wondering about, searching for, and exploring what my passions were and there it was, in front of my nose, well actually under my nose...my mouth! All I had to do was open it up and express vocally through singing, toning, and chanting.

Since singing with the Burstin' with Broadway choir this past fall (September 2009) and especially since the beginning of this year (2010), I was led to singing workshops left, right, and centre. In that process I remembered my love for singing. I had forgotten as strange as that may sound.

Now I know that may seem unusual, but I'm reminded of the saying, 'You teach most what you need to learn.' This is the shorter version as to why:

Where I currently live, I have a roommate who sings with the Lions Gate Chorus, an a cappella chorus, where I had auditioned (first time and for the most challenging part) about five years ago, but didn't make the call so-to-speak. My other roommate often plays a lot of music with her various musical instruments, including her voice. Though I love singing, I feel like I can't impose or don't want to intrude on her process by layering my singing with her music. And sometimes, all I really do want or need is some peace and quiet.

I do have a lot of memories with sound and music though. I used to love hearing the peeling of the church bells in Holland (also known as The Netherlands) and the organ grinder (with the owner and a monkey at its side). I recall that I used to sing with my two older sisters as a young child before we went to sleep as we all shared a room at one point. I loved to harmonize with them. I remember as a youth hiding my first, small transistor radio beneath my pillow at night listening to the latest tunes and also riding, rather flying across town on my bike with my radio on full blast and singing out loud. I also had or brought in a radio to work and sang along to the tunes, listened often to my collection of records, and spent hours taping tons of dance music, mostly of top 40 hits.

Since our family didn't participate in any extracurricular school activities when I was a child, I joined a church choir as an adult. I loved singing harmony as an alto and hearing the blend of musical tones from the various choir parts and the piano. I've sang in several community choirs since then, though never solo, at least not yet.

About 11 years ago, I participated in my first chant. It was a community chant circle honouring Mother Teresa and Lady Diana around Mother's Day as they had died about the same time. A master chanter from Vancouver was leading the circle with his musicians around him. Most of the chants were sung in Sanskrit, an ancient East Indian language. I was hooked the first time, especially with an exquisite ceremony they performed during the middle of the evening. Chanting is devotional and ecstatic as it brings me (in)to a state of joy, peace, and bliss. Since then, I have often chanted at home.

Because I have felt somewhat silenced since moving into this shared living space, I have felt a very strong urge this past year to join a community choir. I hadn't sung in one for several years due to full-time work and part-time school, studying the Expressive Arts Therapy program at Langara College.

The main criteria for me in choosing a choir was that it needed to be local (on the North Shore, preferably in North Vancouver), have a sense of community, and be FUN, the most important ingredient! I discovered it quite by accident when I received an invite from a choir member's partner to the performance in May of 2009. They seemed to fit the bill so I enrolled into the Burstin' with Broadway choir shortly thereafter, submitting to a tenor role as that was the only position available.

Other than my eyes constantly averting to the soprano/alto lines, I loved being a tenor. Not only did I get to sing amongst a bunch of talented men and women, I got to hear the beautiful rich tones of the bass voices from the men nearby. Believe it or not I initially wished to be in the bass section and tried to sing with my chest voice to reach those lower octaves! ; ) I think I succeeded just a tad, but decided instead to reposition myself. So in the fall I'm singing as an alto 1 (higher alto) and perhaps eventually soprano, soprano 2 that is, not the high, high notes of soprano 1's! (I was told and believe I am a mezzo-soprano.)

So back to my dream of conducting a children's choir. I've had it for many years since pretend conducting as a youth and nurturing it quietly within my heart and soul. Always it sits there in the back of my mind. It won't leave me as a ghost haunting my waking moments.

That is why I know or rather have come to know that this desire needs to be expressed. Not only in order for me and my soul to have some peace and quiet - is that possible? - by fulfilling my dream, but also to serve children and/or youth. It is easy as one gets older to have one's soul or spirit stifled by various systems that repress, suppress, and depress. I understand!

I also realize that it is best to have ideas and input from children since they are naturally creative. Thus, I decided that this is to be a co-creative endeavour, processing not only my ideas but theirs as well as we focus on sounds and rounds (that rhymes!), and songs and chants. We move as we feel how our bodies and emotions want to express themselves. And just for (more) fun, we add a splash of art here and there in the process.

Well...I've certainly shared a long tale with you. Thanks for hanging in. Obviously I have a lot to say, but felt the need to make people aware of my background and some of the reasoning for my choir. So 'talk' with you later, hopefully soon, though much shorter! : )