Happy Birthday? to us Twins?! (Part 2)

Photo symbolically of me about 10 years ago representing my twin & I

When you read this post, keep in mind that my twin is dead and has been for 55 years as of today.

All of a sudden, as I think about that and the essence of what I wish to write/type here, I burst into tears. I can't believe that still happens! I mean I thought I came to terms with her death when I created a spontaneous (intuitive) 3-D collage about 20 years ago. (More about in another post; otherwise this one will be too long.)

And then, why should I be surprised? After all, I cried in my EAP (employee assistance program) counsellor's office this past week when I shared what little I knew of her and our birth.

If you read my post yesterday, you will remember perhaps that I had a heart-to-heart chat with my mother about my twin. This is what I discovered:

* My Mom knew intuitively at five months that she bore twins. Everyone laughed at her, not believing her: read fourth comment below to understand why.
* At seven months, my mother knew she was about to deliver and it happened rather quickly.
* After I came out, she was holding in the other baby, my twin, as best she could, not pushing it out. She informed the midwife that she was having a twin and that there was another one coming, but the midwife ignored her. (This point was hard to digest.)
* According to my mother, we were both like a baby doll as we were only about 1-1/2 lbs.
* We were born on a Sunday, my Mom thinks about 9 in the morning, but not 100% sure.
* I was rushed to the hospital along with my twin (rather than to-be born twin if I understand correctly), about a 20-minute drive away to Geleen, the nearest town to Stein where I was born. (I wonder if my Dad drove or if we went by ambulance.)
* We were both placed in incubators. I was in one about four months.**
* My twin died the following day (which is today, January 11th). It had something to do with her lungs; she couldn't breathe properly. (Probably not fully formed lungs.)
* My Dad was called the next day and he went to the hospital - not sure why my Mom didn't accompany him - perhaps caretaking of the other children? - so he could take of the funeral arrangements. (That's all I know thus far.)
* Not sure the spelling of her name, but along the lines of Luisa. I was named after an aunt, Tante Luisa (or known as Aloisa in Austria if I understood correctly) as she was like a mother to my Mom.
* My Mom told me the news of my twin sometime before I moved out of the house at age 18. Unfortunately, I do not recall our conversation or her having done so. (The only possible recollection I have is that I might have stopped questioning if I had been adopted prior to that incident as I always felt different and estranged, from my family; not their fault.)
* When I was about 30, I accompanied my parents to the cemetery to see if we could find her grave site marker, but couldn't see it nor her name anywhere. (I wondered what would have happened if we did, though I imagine my Mom and I would probably have cried a bucket of tears, at the least!)

The tears are streaming down my face as I am typing this. In all these years, I don't think I ever considered the perspective of my parents dealing with her death. I almost feel embarrassed and ashamed by that, only thinking of myself in terms of my loss.

My Mom started off by saying at this part of the conversation about my twin, "How nice it would be for you to have a twin sister." (I think she meant "your" twin sister; regardless, I got what she was saying.)

She also said that she thinks of her many times - my Mom is an extreme empath (who feels the feelings and pain of others) so you can only imagine what she must experience/suffer. (I am one too but not so extreme.)

I too think of her from time to time, perhaps not enough. I light a candle for her whenever I go to Jerry DesVoignes' winter solstice event where community members chant, in part, sacred songs in Sanskrit - bhajans (devotional songs) - they are soothing, calming,and uplifting for my soul. I think of her on my birthday and sometimes the next day. (I wasn't sure previously if she died the same day of birth or the following day).

And a few years ago, I spontaneously thought of her out of the blue - an indication of Spirit or intuition or whatever you may call it - that I knew she was going to die, i.e., when I was a baby in the womb. I experienced feelings of extreme sadness and had no clue why, and then that thought came out-of-the-blue. This occurred near the beginning of December two years in a row. The second year I had forgotten about the previous year, until the thought came to me again.

You may think I am making that up and/or is evil, superstitious or the like depending upon your beliefs/faith. You may think what you wish. I know in my heart that I am not making this up: claircognizance (clear knowing) is the highest form of intuition which I have and this was one sign of that. (I have had numerous instances over the years.)

And I also know that I am not an evil person. I have a kind and caring heart and people who know me, know that of me. I was told, not to brag, that I have a "pure heart" from someone who did an eye-reading (similar to iridology) on me. Sorry to get on the defensive, but well, maybe I am protecting this story, my twin, and me...whatever!

**I will write a post about this another time. And I will also post my letter (tribute) to her (written today), real soon...Tuesday possibly.

Does any of this resonate with you and your experiences or that of someone you may know? How has it affected you and/or them?

Another (20th) Anniversary! My Spiritual Awakening

Well, I did it again! I can't believe it! My fingers are speedy, way too fast sometimes, including accidentally deleting a draft blog posting! One that I started typing a few months ago that was meant to be posted for tomorrow (Dec. 30). (I hate when I do that as my spontaneous originals are usually, if not always, a better version as that is when I am "in the flow."

Other than my 20-year anniversary here in Vancouver (see blog posting, March 21, 2012), this one relates to a special circumstance that occurred.

The best way I can articulate the beginning is to say that 20 years ago, Spirit (God, intuition, call it what you will) guided me to Vancouver, BC.

But heeding this strong call (that came in the form of utter happiness and an inner knowingness) did not come without setbacks, though not in a way you might think or imagine. Though I left my family and friends behind, it was a move I knew in my heart was right and true; see blog posting, March 21, 2012.

After approximately nine months of hell - no, not pregnancy! - but feeling utterly alone and lonely, having left the little support system I had, and having no one to talk to, I ended up attending my first meditation class. It was a guided meditation led by a South American woman with a strong accent. This occurred two days before the end of the year (on Dec. 30th, 2002).

As part of her words, the ones I remember distinctly were, "Think of why you are here. Remember why you're here." I took her words literally thinking, Yes, why the hell am I here? Why the f**k am I here? Why did I move to Vancouver? I knew in my heart I was supposed to move here, but why did I have to experience such anguish? I was in deep pain, feeling both emotional and mental turmoil. I literally wanted to die, so badly.

Out of the blue, however, an answer came to me in the form of a voice that interrupted my thoughts. This was the first and so far the last time I heard one that was not me or anyone visibly around me. It came seemingly from outside of me. I thought it was more of a masculine voice but wasn't sure. I only knew it wasn't mine! No one was around who would have spoken and besides, it was only audible to me. I knew that claircognizantly.

Though I get words a lot intuitively (claircognizantly), I never hear them. Thus, this experience was different.

The voice declared, in what seemed like a neutral yet compassionate tone, "You are supposed to heal yourself." WOW! That was quite the statement and I was shocked by both the voice and the message. Albeit brief, it was a powerful message that had quite the impact on me. (I admit that I can't recall if the voice said my name or not.)

Some of you might ponder the word "supposed" as part of the statement or what sounded more like an order or command. I wondered about that too. Synonyms could include words such as meant, intended, or required, all of which implies that my (soul) path is about or includes healing.

I believe that this message was also saying that in order for me to help others heal, I needed to heal myself first. Though, since then, I have come to know that healing (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually) is a lifelong process, it doesn't mean that I am meant to be 100% healed, i.e., whole and complete in all ways, but rather on the path to wholeness or holistic health.

It was in that moment of enlightenment that I knew then the reason why I moved to BC. I had discovered that BC - Vancouver (and surrounding area) in particular - was or at least seemed to be the healing capital or mecca of Canada. There were copious forms of natural and alternative healing modalities that existed here on such a large scale.

I realized then too that I could not heal myself or at least not to the same degree if I lived in Calgary (where I had considered moving to), where one of my sisters and one of my brothers lived at the time. I had to leave all my friends and family, my former support system behind.

It was also during that time/experience - speaking about and sharing spiritual experiences is sometimes challenging in terms of articulation - as if my awareness opened up: imagine my palms pressed together (as if in prayer) and then my hands and arms opening up with elbows close to my body. This is the best way I can describe it with words and images; see photo.

I knew, again claircognizantly, that what I experienced was a spiritual awakening though I hadn't read or heard about it, I just knew it at a very deep (soul) level.

The message and understanding that came to me gave my mind and soul a tremendous sense of peace. It also gave me faith, so much so that 2003 became one of the best years of my life, when my life literally opened up to opportunities and possibilities, and I overcame some great fears.

Furthermore, I knew universal truths on a(n instant) claircognizant level. I easily could have written a book on happiness as I knew the 'secret' to it: the key was to live in the moment, in the present, not in the past or future where I tended to (and most of us tend to) dwell, especially with feelings such as guilt, worry, and anxiety that is past- or future-based. (If I had not procrastinated, would my book on happiness have been a bestseller?)

I find it interesting that this year is the first when a few healing modalities have come across my path synchronistically that I have been drawn to explore; all involve my hands.

I never thought of myself as a healer, never thinking I had the ability to heal, rather assist myself and/or others in my/their healing process as I am only a channel or instrument of healing. Surprisingly, at least to me, I've had some wonderful feedback and testimonies from both in-person and long-distance healing that I've engaged in.

There are many ways to heal and paths of healing. For myself, I have been aware that other forms of healing include my voice (via numerous compliments of how calming, soothing, etc. it has been for others on a crisis line or other phone lines, similar with reading/reciting in public, and the like). As well, my hands which do involuntary movements or through my writing (or typing) which is healing for myself and hopefully for others.

How do you receive messages from God or Spirit? How are you a healer, i.e., what gifts or talents do you have to offer others?

Seeing One's Heart

Perhaps analogous to the heart-shaped images and objects I come upon (see previous posting, Feb. 17th), a gift that I believe I possess is the ability to know or see into a person’s heart, their nature or essence; more like their personality rather than their (true) soul essence. It’s as if I can see into the depth of their emotional heart, their being.

Questions like, “Do I like this person? Can I trust them? What are they like?" I can usually answer upon initially meeting them, often without conversing or sometimes a bit. This even comes across through emails that might be scant in terms of number of words. I have an intuitive knowing (or claircognizance) about the person.

Do you ever experience anything like this? And if so, how does it come to you? I’d love to know!

Communication(s) from my Dead Twin?

A woman asked me recently how my dead twin sister appears to me. I knew what she meant, but I didn’t know the answer, at least not immediately. After she gave her example of finding white feathers and thinking of a particular close friend of hers who passed away every time this occurred, it triggered a memory for me.

For many years now, I’m not even sure how long ago, perhaps when I was in my twenties, maybe even teens, I spontaneously started collecting heart-shaped objects. I didn’t know why as it seemed to happen unconsciously. It wasn’t till years later that I realized I was doing this, that is, that I actually had a bit of a heart collection.

Over the years, I have come to discover many heart-shaped images in things. I see them mostly in the environment, in elements of nature, especially in the shapes of flowers, and stones and rocks for example. And I also see it indirectly, like within a pattern as in the bark of a tree.

I seem to gravitate towards heart-shaped items as in the case of a calendar that has numerous pictures, primarily photos of heart-shaped objects. Though this appeals to me greatly, it doesn’t mean that I seek everything that is heart-shaped! But (pause), did you happen to notice that a heart is two halves in one? And in its original(?) form, identical halves? My twin and I, identical at birth...hmmm...

Reminiscing about heart shapes during the above-mentioned conversation, I wonder if that is my twin’s way of letting me know of her presence, that she is nearby and/or thinking of me. (Unfortunately, I hate to admit, I don’t sense her or see her or hear her at all and certainly wish I did!) This could certainly be an interesting possibility as, even though she’s had a huge impact on my life, I didn’t know her at all!

One way, I’ve been told, my twin speaks to me is through words (nonverbally). I often get words claircognizantly; I don’t see or hear them, I just get them like an instant knowing, spontaneously as if from the ethers. It is akin to claircognizance which is a knowing state, i.e., knowing something without knowing how you got the info. This is otherwise challenging to explain unless you experience this. (See my posting dated May 7 and May 31, 2011 and entitled, “The Call to Write Part 1” and Part 2.)

I strongly believe we can communicate with others on the other side – yes, I’m speaking of dead people here – though not about séances or channelling (as I don’t trust that). It is on a nonverbal level, like telepathic communication with images in our mind’s eye (i.e., inner intuition) and/or outward images or objects such as feathers or coins for example, or in my case with words.

How do(es) your deceased loved one(s) ‘come’ to you or ‘speak’ to you in the forms of objects/images?