Smorgasbord Saturday: 2nd Week of Ultra Blog Challenge

Photo I took of an artistically swirled latte

After this week, especially yesterday's post, I feel like I could use a break - a cup of coffee (espresso-type) drink or rather, a BIG cup of soothing Earl Grey Tea please!

This week was rather interesting with me discovering that it was World Suicide Prevention Day which I never heard of before. The following is a really great and simple, easy-to-read site with some startling facts and stats: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Suicide_Prevention_Day. This year the theme was "One World." Suicide Prevention Week was also this week.

My posts were as follows: Here’s a recap of my week’s posts starting with Monday, September 8th:

I had originally intended to title this post as "Mental Health Monday..." but it would have been too long a title and it was long enough already. I felt and wanted it to be part of this series that I had started after the death of Robin Williams, a beloved American actor and comedian.

Instead, the post became "Part 3: Aftermath of a Brilliant Comic’s Death: Funnyman AKA Robin Williams" which was about the stigma of mental illness. I know and have known a number of people with mental health issues, primarily depression, but also PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), bipolar disorder, etc. They are still people, still humans, just like you and I!

Me and my love of the moon and stars at night prompted my second(?) posting on the sensational Supermoon, "Tantalizing Tuesday: Supermoon No. 5 in 2014" where I – with that beautiful photo I wish I took – wrote about the relationship to the Law of Attraction (LOA) which was another theme of mine this week in part, as well as a phenomena known as the "observer effect" which thrilled me when I first read it a few years ago.

My original "Word-less" Wednesday was transformed to "World Suicide Prevention Day & Suicide Prevention Week" as I had just discovered that they were the themes for that day and the week. I was astounded by some of the mind-blowing stats, sad to hear.

This with a photo I took which I absolutely love – the same is hanging at my workplace for now - touched ever so slightly on the three main criteria for suicide, then onto a brief story about my life on one of the factors, followed by a brief mention of two potential lifesaving supports (though one may not be apparent generally under certain circumstances).

I changed Thursday’s post title to "Self-Love: Suicide Prevention". This post was actually meant to be part 3 with Friday’s post as Part 2; however, I switched them around for some reason though can't recall now. (I'm sure I had a good reason though.) I spoke about why I wanted to die most of my life, until a certain point.

Friday’s post and title was changed as well. Instead of Part 3, I changed it to LOA: - short for Law of Attraction - Suicide, Homicide, and Me. This posting was relatively easy to write physically, but I was surprised, shocked even, that I still had emotion come up at the end after I posted it. I thought I had forgiven, dealt with the situation, and moved on with a clean slate. After all, it happened years ago!

I realized I didn’t add questions to Thursday's and Friday's Part 2 and 3 so added those before I post this one!

Again, thank you to my robust readers, faithful followers, and courageous commenters! Love you all! :) <3 (There may be better words to describe my readers and commenters, but that's what came to my mind immediately and I can't seem to think of any others. If you have better descriptors, let me know and I may consider changing it!) ;)

LOA: Suicide, Homicide, and Me

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), approx- imately one million people - that's 1,000,000 - around the world commit suicide yearly or every 40 seconds, more than that of homicide and war combined: astounding! Furthermore, they expect that the rate will increase to every 20 seconds by the year 2020: unbelieveable!

Those are definitely sad statistics! I could have been one of them if my intent to self-harm was strong enough. (Read the last two postings for details.) I'm grateful I never did in the end. (Is that a pun?!)

However, before I started believing in myself (even remotely), an incident - condensed version - occurred that would eventually change my life.

Long story short(er), I attracted not one, but two men who were willing, able, and capable of killing me and almost did. Luckily I escaped both times unharmed, at least physically.

The first time, in my early 20's, was in relationship with an alcoholic (though I didn't know that till towards the end of or after our relationship ended) who was obsessive in that no one else could "have me." I think he felt he "owned" me as if I was his property.

If you ever come to know this about your relationship or that of another person, take my advice and run, don't walk, to the nearest exit (i.e., out of the relationship). Those are the one of the most dangerous types of men.

My boyfriend was a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality (based on a character in a novel by Robert Louis Stevenson) about a split personality now known as 'dissociative identity disorder.' He could be friendly, charming, sweet and kind one moment, and full of fury with explosive anger or rather rage, the next. Definitely scary to be around! I repeat: AVOID at all cost! This is a warning!

One night - middle of the night or very early in the morning - I awoke with a fright to, I believe if I recall correctly, someone calling my name and/or a sound and/or knock at my balcony. I lived on the fifth or sixth floor if I recall correctly. He had somehow climbed (to my amazement) to my floor level.

When I opened the balcony door, he was intoxicated, angrily cursing and shouting at me. Shortly thereafter, he had a kitchen knife at my throat. (Oh yeah, I'm not kidding you!) A short while later, he attempted to either suffocate me with a towel/washcloth from the linen closet or strangle me - I wasn't sure which and I wasn't sure about to find out as I somehow escaped, ran to my friend's apartment on another floor or did I run to the superintendent? Was I ever terrified: I thought that was the end of me.

It was miraculous that I survived uninjured. I truly do not know how or remember how I escaped. Just typing this brings up visceral sensations in my body. The body always remembers...there is such a thing as cellular memory: "a variation of body memory, the pseudoscientific hypothesis that memories can be stored in individual cells" (as per Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cellular_memory

And despite that particular incident, I didn't learn my lesson the first time round so the pattern repeated almost 10 years later. This time I attracted an obsessive personality from a particular patriarchal culture...think possessive.

This boyfriend similarly could be charming - since then I do not trust 'charmers' - and was pleasant and easy-going for the most part. However, one time he wanted to have intercourse with me. I refused as I didn't want to with him. So he started throwing me around slamming me against a wall at least once. And then, all of a sudden in one instant, he grabbed me, threw me onto his bed, and started choking me, strangling me with his bare hands.

Again, I thought: "This is it!"

By fluke, out of nowhere, I remembered that I had chocolate in my pocket and that it was a hot day. I can't believe I was able to even think straight in that moment! I stuck my right hand in my short's pocket - it's funny now when I think of this - and put my hand smothered with melted chocolate up to his face which was pretty close to mine. He let go and I ran off. I'm surprised he didn't lick my hands! ;)

Ok, you have to make fun of something like that after it happens as it's too serious and traumatic an incident.

Though I have since forgiven both men in my heart, not instantly but I did in time - feeling butterflies in my stomach as I'm writing this for the first time. Interesting that the hardest person to forgive was myself.

It was a few years later when I realized with sudden clarity what had happened and why. Read yesterday's post where I answer that. ;)

Was I a 'victim' of my thoughts/feelings/circumstances? How did the Law of Attraction play out in this (true life) story?

Self-Love: Suicide Prevention

Substitute the phrase, "I see my true colors" - colours in Canada - "and that's why I love me" in the picture...

Ok, are you ready to hear my lesson concerning suicide? And what I believe may be a lot of other people's lessons, primarily women (considering the culture/society we live in)?

One of the biggest challenges in my life that I have had to deal with is myself. That may sound strange, silly even, but I am serious about that.

When I was growing up, primarily in my teens, I wore a lot of dark colours: primarily navy blue, grey, brown, and black. A lot of 'cold' colours (on the colour wheel that is) that you might term "depressing."

I hated the way I looked: my hair, my body, my personality (or lack of it it seemed), my voice (as it came out flat and monotonous) and well, practically everything and everybody. I literally hated life - mine - and for a big chuck of it, I had wanted to die more than anything else, even more than my will to live at times. I had so many reasons going for me, some of which I stated above.

Since I had wanted to die most of my life in part to be with my dead twin sister - see blog posting dated August 25th, 2013 entitled, "Part 3: In a Funk - Blue since Birth?!" (http://xpressyouressence.blogspot.ca/2013/08/part-3-in-funk-blue-since-birth.html), it made sense that I would attract people in my life with a similar vibration. That will become clear in the next part of this series that you will want to read. According to the Law of Attraction (LOA), similar frequencies respond in kind to similar vibrations or vibes (for short) that are being transmitted.

Think of it this way. When you walk into a room, a store, a meeting, or a group, do you notice the energy of the place? Can you feel or sense it? Does it feel heavy or light? Is there a sense of tension or peace? That is along the lines of what I am talking about.

And by the way, I developed or rather was aware that I had a gift of this since my late teens, early 20's. I was able to walk into a potential home or workplace and know immediately if I wanted to live or work there just based on the vibes I felt. Too bad, I didn't have that sensor with two ex-boyfriends whom I will write about in Part 2 of this blog post. You’ll definitely want to read that!

Ok, I digress here, onto my story or morale:

I realized years later that what I literally needed to know and learn the most was to love myself. As crazy as that may sound, you heard me - read that - right, correctly. I had to learn to love who I was, to learn to accept myself for the person I was, and that began with getting to know me.

Let me tell you, it has been a long journey. Though not 100% perfect in this regard, I can certainly declare now, years later, that I love myself, at least for the most part. I'm not perfect – no one is – and yet I have learned to love the person I am: I have come to know myself quite well, especially after reading so many personal development books since my 20's and having participated in numerous personal growth workshops that gave me better awareness, understanding, and acceptance of my unique and authentic self.

I have come to realize that I am a beautiful spiritual being: I have a kind and gentle heart (for the most part, as again I am not perfect). I say that also because I am aware that, if I had to, I would kill in order to defend myself. If I didn't have that instinct, I would be an easy target or victim. Trust me when I say that. I have come to understand this at a very deep level through one or two extremely challenging trials, i.e., experiential exercises as part of a workshop. I know what I'm talking about.

If you aren't willing to stand up for yourself, that is, fight for yourself, your life, someone else might not either. You could be an easy target for abuse and/or death. - Would you agree? Why or why not? - This is what I sense intuitively, know claircognizantly, at a deep level.

And my story in the next part to this sequel will demonstrate that...so stay tuned! ;)

World Suicide Prevention Day & Suicide Prevention Week

Photo I took of a 3D sculpture on the wall opposite Army & Navy Department Store on East Hastings Street (also known as 'the Downtown Eastside (DTES)' or the poorest neighbourhood in Canada in Vancouver, BC. (I actually wrote an inspired piece, Beauty in the DTES based on that image: http://xpressyouressence.blogspot.ca/2011/01/beauty-in-dtes.html)

Did you know that survivors of suicide have an increased risk of suicide, whether the loss is a family member or friend or even a celebrity such as Robin Williams?

I discovered this due to an online training program I participated in at work, offered by Relias Academy (http://www.reliaslearning.com/). As part of World Suicide Prevention Day and also Suicide Prevention Week, there are specific courses, namely "Suicide Assessment and Treatment" which I completed yesterday and "Suicide Screening and Risk Factors" which I finished today (http://academy.reliaslearning.com/).

Both courses had some rather interesting facts on a topic society generally avoids. My recent blog posts on mental health in follow-up to Robin William's suicide beginning with my posting on August 24th of this year (http://xpressyouressence.blogspot.ca/2014/08/part-1-aftermath-of-brilliant-comics.html) attest to this avoidance, indicated by the follow-up comments I received - thanks to those of you who did - and also to the no comments on my direct postings on suicide: "Taboo Topic: Part 2 - Who are You(th)...to be Alive?!" on February 23rd (http://xpressyouressence.blogspot.ca/2014/02/taboo-topic-part-2-who-are-youth-to-be.html).

The courses refer to the difference and the connection between 'suicidal desire,' 'intent,' and 'capability.'

From my own experience, I had suffered from suicidal desire most of my life until about the time I accepted my dead twin sister's death (see "Part 3: In a Funk - Blue since Birth?!" on August 25th of last year, http://xpressyouressence.blogspot.ca/2013/08/part-3-in-funk-blue-since-birth.html); however, I have also since then a few times as well, especially one Christmas a few years ago (without going into details for confidentiality's sake), and when feeling incredibly alone with no one to talk to after moving to Vancouver, BC from Toronto, Ontario.

Though I have, as mentioned above, had suicidal ideation as many other folk - it's more common than you might think - I never made plans or preparations to do myself in. Thus, I have never intended to actually commit suicide.

Having a support system is really important, even if it's just one person to talk to and confide in. I learned that valuable lesson after feeling the depth of despair months after moving here.

Another potential lifesaver is having a sense of purpose, though this is probably a remote possibility for someone contemplating suicide as they experience a tunnel vision of their life. This is only one possible factor of several that could deter someone from committing suicide; see the link sites above.

I have several stories I could relate here, but prefer to keep this blog post short(er). One might leave you in shock, thus "Word-less" Wednesday would have been very apropro. However, I will consider whether to share this week or in the following one or two weeks.

Let me ponder in the meantime while I await your comments/feedback on the above and/or this question: Have you every contemplated suicide and/or do you know anyone who has?