Ok, are you ready to hear my lesson concerning suicide? And what I believe may be a lot of other people's lessons, primarily women (considering the culture/society we live in)?
One of the biggest challenges in my life that I have had to deal with is myself. That may sound strange, silly even, but I am serious about that.
When I was growing up, primarily in my teens, I wore a lot of dark colours: primarily navy blue, grey, brown, and black. A lot of 'cold' colours (on the colour wheel that is) that you might term "depressing."
I hated the way I looked: my hair, my body, my personality (or lack of it it seemed), my voice (as it came out flat and monotonous) and well, practically everything and everybody. I literally hated life - mine - and for a big chuck of it, I had wanted to die more than anything else, even more than my will to live at times. I had so many reasons going for me, some of which I stated above.
Since I had wanted to die most of my life in part to be with my dead twin sister - see blog posting dated August 25th, 2013 entitled, "Part 3: In a Funk - Blue since Birth?!" (http://xpressyouressence.blogspot.ca/2013/08/part-3-in-funk-blue-since-birth.html), it made sense that I would attract people in my life with a similar vibration. That will become clear in the next part of this series that you will want to read. According to the Law of Attraction (LOA), similar frequencies respond in kind to similar vibrations or vibes (for short) that are being transmitted.
Think of it this way. When you walk into a room, a store, a meeting, or a group, do you notice the energy of the place? Can you feel or sense it? Does it feel heavy or light? Is there a sense of tension or peace? That is along the lines of what I am talking about.
And by the way, I developed or rather was aware that I had a gift of this since my late teens, early 20's. I was able to walk into a potential home or workplace and know immediately if I wanted to live or work there just based on the vibes I felt. Too bad, I didn't have that sensor with two ex-boyfriends whom I will write about in Part 2 of this blog post. You’ll definitely want to read that!
Ok, I digress here, onto my story or morale:
I realized years later that what I literally needed to know and learn the most was to love myself. As crazy as that may sound, you heard me - read that - right, correctly. I had to learn to love who I was, to learn to accept myself for the person I was, and that began with getting to know me.
Let me tell you, it has been a long journey. Though not 100% perfect in this regard, I can certainly declare now, years later, that I love myself, at least for the most part. I'm not perfect – no one is – and yet I have learned to love the person I am: I have come to know myself quite well, especially after reading so many personal development books since my 20's and having participated in numerous personal growth workshops that gave me better awareness, understanding, and acceptance of my unique and authentic self.
I have come to realize that I am a beautiful spiritual being: I have a kind and gentle heart (for the most part, as again I am not perfect). I say that also because I am aware that, if I had to, I would kill in order to defend myself. If I didn't have that instinct, I would be an easy target or victim. Trust me when I say that. I have come to understand this at a very deep level through one or two extremely challenging trials, i.e., experiential exercises as part of a workshop. I know what I'm talking about.
If you aren't willing to stand up for yourself, that is, fight for yourself, your life, someone else might not either. You could be an easy target for abuse and/or death. - Would you agree? Why or why not? - This is what I sense intuitively, know claircognizantly, at a deep level.
And my story in the next part to this sequel will demonstrate that...so stay tuned! ;)
Elly,
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you and how the death of your twin affected you. I'm so glad that you have sought help and ways to come to terms with the dark period in which you grew up. I"m writing a book about how I coped with the loss of my marriage and my twins. It's called Heavenly Light. It will be the second in my trilogy. My first is Fading Light. I love the photo you have in this post with the many different colors of paint on the hand. It's like the many different talents you have that all make up you. :) Thank you for sharing today. It took courage.
Amy
Oh Amy, I am so humbled by your comment after reading your post about the loss of your marriage AND twins etc. What I experienced is incomparable. I admire your courage after so many losses and the strength it took you to overcome them. I imagine your book will help many people deal with loss(es) of whatever kind. Thanks for your comment including the photo as that is an interesting viewpoint. :) <3
DeleteI think many people should read your post and understand that they need to seek help when such thoughts haunt them and also they need to love themselves because it is only then that life love us back...Thanks so much for sharing this...I know it mustn't have been easy to write all these things
ReplyDeleteNabanita, I appreciate your comment. Thank you! It is definitely important to seek/ask for help in times of such distress and I certainly did at the time, though there are only so many times that I felt comfortable calling the local crisis line. For sure, when we love ourselves (enough), life will certainly reflect that back to us. :) <3
DeleteI love Elly your honest and approachable style. One cannot help loving you for who you are - not pretenses - the color that shines from you sparkles from within. Life, Elly is about growing, about finding our true self and like you say, learning to love and accept ourselves or who we are. Big HUGS <3
ReplyDeleteMy apologies Judy, I missed your comment: a belated response! I appreciate your kind words Judy: thank you! Authenticity is important to me and I often fortunately or unfortunately wear my emotions on my face. ;) <3
DeleteElly, I can completely identify with what you have shared. Despite all I did to stay 'positive' it took me years to accept myself and there are still times when I fall into self-loathing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what, Judy says in her comment, Elly. Thank you for being you.
Corinne, I think a lot of women can identify with this as our culture and social media portray women as being not good enough. We are meant to, in particular, look a certain way in order to be approved, accepted, liked, and loved. It's easy to sometimes slip into self-loathing for numerous reasons. I do occasionally too, more rarely now. I wonder: is the root cause due to what I said about our culture/social media? <3 And thanks again. I'm glad I'm me, though I wouldn't know how to be anyone else anyway! ;)
DeleteVery interesting and thought-provoking blog. Thanks for sharing, Elly :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Asma. And thank you for reading it and for your compliment! :) <3
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