My Heart Exposed

It takes courage to (really) feel your feelings, not only feel them but express them. I say that because of two incidents recently.

I realized years ago that I was operating from my head (thinking too much). My desire was to come more from heart. At last, I am doing so...I think! ; )

I am being open, more so that is. How do I know this you might wonder? I know as I am more open to opportunities and possibilities that I never would have considered in past. Expanding my horizons, stepping out of my comfort zone, and furthermore, being vulnerable in expressing who I am and my emotions.

Thus I was shocked when my heart felt betrayed and stabbed yet again (metaphorically speaking of course) by others. One of which I cannot divulge here because of possible ramifications, the other due to a woman who judged me incorrectly before she even met me.

As a result of these experiences and who-knows-what-other-factors (tired/hungry/stress), I cried. No, not crocodile tears. Real tears of deep and utter sadness that words cannot describe: I cried on and off that day, about four or five times just within a few hours.

My emotional and intuitive self felt, “My heart knows who I am, the truth of who I am and I know I am a kind and caring person. Yet it feels stomped upon when I share the being(ness) of me and it hurts, deeply. I feel so exposed, my heart that is, but that doesn’t pain as much as feeling that I can’t express who I am without being and/or feeling suppressed and repressed.”

In those grieving moments, I felt such a strong urge to write or rather type (as I can type really fast, especially when the impulse strikes me!). I felt drawn to write a poem, more of a rap actually as I felt such intense emotions of both anger and sadness. Oh, how I had wished I followed that!

Instead, being at work, I shut myself down or off instead. Silly me! That made the pain even worse!

In those what seemed like excruciating moments of emotional pain and angst, I didn’t honour myself, my emotions nor my body, by listening to them in expressing my emotions, in a safe manner of course.

I’m sure that if I had, the words would have flowed on the page like a rushing river as I felt the anger and passion of my pain bursting through my veins, pulsing rhythmically.

So here goes, albeit later after the incident so bear with me as part of my heart is being exposed (yet currently sad and vulnerable, teary even). Pretend you’re a rapper when you read these words:

Enough of suppression
That can feel like repression
And end up in depression
A state of regression

First it’s religion
My soul is a sinnin’
Shame, blame, and guilt-ridden
No rhyme and no rhythm

Then it’s off to school
Part of a pack of mule* (*due to heavy backpacks)
Rules and answers to keep
Why am I asleep?

Next I go off to work
Where I end up berserk
Punch time cards or keys
Where I feel, 'Hey Jeez!'

Fit into a peg, box, or square
Termed cubicle or lair
Buy name-brand stuff
Eat GMO’s corn puffs
Fill homes and guts
Am I nuts?

Do I not see?
How crazy life can be?
On a treadmill going round
Or a gerbil spinning around

This carousel of life
Is not a happy slice
Unless I go outside
See what others have to hide

Then truth will I see
As life is truly meant to be
Not what others call ‘reality’
But happy to be ‘me’

A sad state of affair
Till I wake up and be aware
Requires a hug and self-care
So I can truly grin and bear

Why can’t I be, be me
And you be you, true to you

Our hearts be true, to me and you [I added this line now while adding post]

Open opportunities [I added this portion now while adding post]
Explore possibilities
Pref'bly with sincerity
And much humility...


Ok, not the greatest poem/rap, but you get my drift. Like I said, it would have been much better if I had expressed the juicyness of my emotions in the moment. Next time, I’ll take the opportunity to explore the possibility of pain when I’m in it, much like an expressive arts therapist might do ... well, at least when possible.

How do you open your heart? Feel your pain? Express yourself?

Soul's Expansion

Photo courtesy of Roberto Kaplan, taken at Roberts Creek, BC

Interesting, as I discovered that I ate much less including sweets (hardly!) during my first week of vacation at Roberts Creek in mid-July. Would you like to know why? Are you sure? Are you ready for the answer? It may shock and surprise you, or not.

It was this: it was simply due to the fact that I felt fulfilled. That’s right. Full-filled or filled full or fully filled. My soul and thus my body felt satiated, complete, full of life and goodness, AND sweetness! It actually made me wonder about breatharians.

It wasn’t till towards the end of that week that I started craving sweets because I felt I was missing, or rather missed out on what life had to offer. At least in terms of Roberts Creek: the ocean, natural life including not only natural surroundings of wood, but eagles, herons, smooth rocks, shells, and the like. Basically tranquility and peace.

What hit me intuitively was ‘expansiveness’ or ‘expansion.’ This described the panoramic landscape lens that I could see with, the ocean and sky in particular. This new perspective seemed to be(come) my new way of viewing (the world), at least while on holiday in Roberts Creek.

It also referred to my heart. For somehow this vastness contributed to the expansion of my heart. This, in addition to being in nature and, more importantly, in the process work with Roberto Kaplan (www.beyond2020vision.com and http://www.eyecode.info/).

I know he was instrumental to my heart’s and thus my soul’s expansion. His work is very deep and I sensed there were more layers. Aren’t there always, at least in the healing process? I say soul (as in soul’s expansion) because it felt like a shift, a major shift in my being, and as a result my thinking, my way of thinking.

It felt this way to me because when I returned home, it seemed that my world collapsed. What I mean by this is that the backyard where I live as well as my suite seemed to shrink or close in around me. It felt somewhat claustrophobic which is why, rather than unpack immediately (as I normally would), I took a stroll through part of one of several nature trails close by.

I did this for about 1-1/2 hours before dusk until my soul (felt) settled and I felt calmer inside, not so grief-stricken. It was a weird experience for me, but I’m grateful for it.

Grateful for it made me realize in part that I needed to move. In order to further open up my world so-to-speak and perhaps my consciousness and way of seeing. After all, I remember that the word ‘expansion’ came to me intuitively when I first decided to move to the North Shore, a move I thought I would never undertake: too far away from work and my social/community activities, and it rains more there than Vancouver.

However, I have come to know deep within me that North Vancouver is the place that is closest to my heart. I have an affinity for mountains and trees in particular, and water too all stemming from my European background.

Furthermore, the energy is different. I can feel it going through Stanley Park and especially along the Lions Gate Bridge that takes commuters to the North Shore. It’s not hustle bustle-busy like the city of Vancouver is. It’s still a city but more laid-back, more peaceful and quiet.  Though I still seem to be hustling and bustling!  ; )  Could it be that I need to slow down so my soul will expand even more?

A Man of Clear Vision

Photos courtesy of Roberto Kaplan

There are not too many people who really get me at a deep and authentic level. One such person is Roberto Kaplan. (You can check out his websites at www.beyond2020vision.com and www.eyecode.info.)

This is a testimonial I wrote after spending some time with him last summer: “Roberto Kaplan, you have the ability to perceive me through to the depth of my soul, my deepest, truest authentic self. You combine your intuition (insights), wisdom, and perceptivity as you sit with me or photograph me. In your presence, I feel acknowledged for who I am, though at times with my vulnerability exposed. However, it is a rare gift to be truly seen and understood by another and I appreciate your talent that is a true gift for all.” This is still true upon my visit with him this year.

I originally met Roberto Kaplan in 1996 when I originally pursued the possibility of clearer vision, i.e., perfect eyesight. (If I had continued at that time, I believe I would have perfect vision today!)

In my opinion, he is a visionary, best symbolized by all the eagles he saw – on a daily basis – whilst his stay on the Sunshine Coast, at least while I was there. He is also very intuitive and insightful, and perceptive. (Notice how they seem to all be vision-related words. ; ))

With focus (pardon the pun that just came out), determination, and clarity of his work and life’s purpose, he is present enough to know what is required of him to fulfill his daily and weekly passions and ambitions.

Spurred on by his inspiration, he is undaunted by external factors. This includes myself (and all my defense mechanisms what he termed ‘destructive patterning') during my recent visit. (Later, I would challenge both of us to ‘pattern interruptions' or ‘pattern interrupts' for short – my word and invention – in dispelling the negativity of destructive patterns.)

What I most appreciate about Roberto, other than everything I’ve stated already, above, is that he was extremely patient and supportive in helping me to transition from fear into love. He helped to open my heart up, unbeknownst to me at first. It was a combination of the natural outdoors, and his 'work' that included feedback concerning my way of seeing and coping with the world.

It actually wasn’t until after spending some time with him on the Sunshine Coast that I came to discover that my heart was in a state of openness, of love and gratitude. It had been awhile! My heart was also in a state of ‘positivism’ (my word) or optimism. Essentially I was starting to re-experience the feelings of belief, trust, faith, and attraction, the latter as in the law of attraction.

What I came to realize is that I needed to follow, rather live my passions: writing, dancing, even ‘speaking’ comes to me now, being in nature, and the like.

For this, I have to say thank you. Thank you Roberto for the invitation to visit and spend time with you in Roberts Creek, for seeing me as I am, and facilitating my process. Well, it wasn’t always easy, but nevertheless I am grateful. Truly.

p.s. Also check out Roberto’s amazing photos of nature, people, and the like on
www.flickr.com/photos/kaplaneyecode or his websites. Enjoy!