I realized years ago that I was operating from my head (thinking too much). My desire was to come more from heart. At last, I am doing so...I think! ; )
I am being open, more so that is. How do I know this you might wonder? I know as I am more open to opportunities and possibilities that I never would have considered in past. Expanding my horizons, stepping out of my comfort zone, and furthermore, being vulnerable in expressing who I am and my emotions.
Thus I was shocked when my heart felt betrayed and stabbed yet again (metaphorically speaking of course) by others. One of which I cannot divulge here because of possible ramifications, the other due to a woman who judged me incorrectly before she even met me.
As a result of these experiences and who-knows-what-other-factors (tired/hungry/stress), I cried. No, not crocodile tears. Real tears of deep and utter sadness that words cannot describe: I cried on and off that day, about four or five times just within a few hours.
My emotional and intuitive self felt, “My heart knows who I am, the truth of who I am and I know I am a kind and caring person. Yet it feels stomped upon when I share the being(ness) of me and it hurts, deeply. I feel so exposed, my heart that is, but that doesn’t pain as much as feeling that I can’t express who I am without being and/or feeling suppressed and repressed.”
In those grieving moments, I felt such a strong urge to write or rather type (as I can type really fast, especially when the impulse strikes me!). I felt drawn to write a poem, more of a rap actually as I felt such intense emotions of both anger and sadness. Oh, how I had wished I followed that!
Instead, being at work, I shut myself down or off instead. Silly me! That made the pain even worse!
In those what seemed like excruciating moments of emotional pain and angst, I didn’t honour myself, my emotions nor my body, by listening to them in expressing my emotions, in a safe manner of course.
I’m sure that if I had, the words would have flowed on the page like a rushing river as I felt the anger and passion of my pain bursting through my veins, pulsing rhythmically.
So here goes, albeit later after the incident so bear with me as part of my heart is being exposed (yet currently sad and vulnerable, teary even). Pretend you’re a rapper when you read these words:
Enough of suppression
That can feel like repression
And end up in depression
A state of regression
First it’s religion
My soul is a sinnin’
Shame, blame, and guilt-ridden
No rhyme and no rhythm
Then it’s off to school
Part of a pack of mule* (*due to heavy backpacks)
Rules and answers to keep
Why am I asleep?
Next I go off to work
Where I end up berserk
Punch time cards or keys
Where I feel, 'Hey Jeez!'
Fit into a peg, box, or square
Termed cubicle or lair
Buy name-brand stuff
Eat GMO’s corn puffs
Fill homes and guts
Am I nuts?
Do I not see?
How crazy life can be?
On a treadmill going round
Or a gerbil spinning around
This carousel of life
Is not a happy slice
Unless I go outside
See what others have to hide
Then truth will I see
As life is truly meant to be
Not what others call ‘reality’
But happy to be ‘me’
A sad state of affair
Till I wake up and be aware
Requires a hug and self-care
So I can truly grin and bear
Why can’t I be, be me
And you be you, true to you
Our hearts be true, to me and you [I added this line now while adding post]
Open opportunities [I added this portion now while adding post]
Explore possibilities
Pref'bly with sincerity
And much humility...
Ok, not the greatest poem/rap, but you get my drift. Like I said, it would have been much better if I had expressed the juicyness of my emotions in the moment. Next time, I’ll take the opportunity to explore the possibility of pain when I’m in it, much like an expressive arts therapist might do ... well, at least when possible.
How do you open your heart? Feel your pain? Express yourself?
