In a Funk

Be straight with me here: how many of you judged me in my video (previous blog posting, July 5th)? Right, you probably did. After all, we tend to judge others – ourselves as well – critically, callously, and often immediately.

In that blog posting (if you read it), I mentioned that “when I don't sing, it's either because I'm sick or sad/blue/depressed.” What I didn’t tell you was – I wasn’t ready to tell you – that I was somewhat “in a funk.” Though I gave it my all as best I could at the time, it wasn’t my all in terms of my ideal state of wellness, speaking in terms of performance delivery of course!

Now please understand: I love performing and reciting poetry and the like (after the first few seconds of initial nervousness). I felt drawn at the time, despite my mood, to share that piece of poetry and that song for various reasons (which don’t matter per se).

What I want you to get is how much more powerful I (and the video as a result) could have been if I was feeling (more) fully alive and passionate during my performance. Now do you understand?

My funk-like state lasted approximately two months, though still feeling intermittently so with a few recent circumstances beyond my control. That’s quite a long time for me to be feeling blue, especially considering I haven’t been for some time, at least not for that long a period. ... to be continued ...

Have you ever felt in a funk and if so, how often? What did you do or do you do to overcome it?

p.s. I initially wrote this piece the day after my previous posting! Hmmm, what does that say about me?! ;)

Who am I to be...a choir conductor/director?

I'm putting myself "out there" again, exposing myself (baring my soul) and making myself (feel) vulnerable! This by no means is a great performance. I have done much better, truly. I think I was somewhat nervous, in part going first (on quite short notice) and having a fairly 'new' audience (and not feeling 100%). Thus, I would appreciate - spare me please - if you would consider the essence of the message instead, i.e., the words I am speaking...thanks!

I chose this powerful excerpt from Marianne Williamson's book, A Return to Love (based on A Course in Miracles, www.acim.org) as the intro to a somewhat impromptu talent show at a summer camp retreat I participated in.

The words are: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

My spiritual self understands at a deep level that I am powerful (indeed!), that I am light, a bright light even - have been told that! - despite my emotional/mental self that so often feels inadequate and powerless.

Why you may ask? The result of listening to the outer world, of comparing myself to others (similar to growing up amidst brothers and sisters), and thus not believing in myself - fully at times - often enough (and that includes my intuition!).

And yet, I know myself and accept and even love myself at my deepest core for I see and understand who I truly am, even though I may be - and feel - 'different.' I do have some commendable attributes! ;) (That's not meant to be a brag by the way...this is said in humility actually.)

One aspect that makes me feel truly humble is fear. When I feel fear, it stops and blocks me. In other words, I stop me, block me, and sabotage me. How sad and pitiful (when you think of it)! It needn't be this way of course!

Sometimes though, I glow (literally) as people have remarked when I "shine." It's not necessarily nor necessary that I be "on stage." However, it's usually when I am feeling/living/expressing/breathing/being my passion(s) and making a difference in the world (just by being me, my true essence). Yes, when I let my light shine.

For those of you curious to wonder, my passions lie in the creative and expressive arts: singing, chanting (primarily in Sanskrit, an ancient East Indian language), creative dance/movement, writing, poetry, drama, and the like (and not necessarily in that order).

These passions of mine take me from my head into my heart when I am fully expressing them and being/living in the moment. And it's when I feel the words that I sing, write, and even speak, that I feel Spirit.

I 'know' this to be true, for example, 'cause when I don't sing, it's either because I'm sick or sad/blue/depressed. I can still sing, though my heart (and soul) won't be "in it." I'm not home so-to-speak in my body or heart. I'm gone ... somewhere ... else ... probably in my mind ... I think too much sometimes, well often! ;)

Nevertheless, I still remember the words I received intuitively at two boot-like summer camps years ago, "Elly, trust yourself, trust the universe. It will support you." I didn't imagine those words and I believe them.

Now it's just a matter of me believing in myself, in me! How would that be? (Hey, I'm a poet, didn't you know it? ;) ...what can I say, I love to rhyme at times...ooh, that just came out (like my spontaneous puns do!). Ok, I'm being silly and it's late...

What do you feel called in your heart to do? Do you heed its voice, its call to 'home' for you?